2 Kings 6-10

Still no prostitutes! But what about the violence, you may ask? What about the violence, Smitch? Oh, believe me, there is more violence. 70 severed heads in a basket, anyone?

But before we get to that, Elisha has more miracles to perform, including making iron float in water! Amazing. He also forewarns the king of Israel about the military movements of the Arameans. This perturbs the king of Aram, who dispatches a large squad to capture Elisha. Elisha's servant is scared of the oncoming force until Elisha reveals unto him the heavenly army protecting them.

But when the army arrives, Elisha prays that the Lord will blind it. The soldiers are immediately blind and Elisha tricks them into thinking they're in the wrong spot. The prophet then leads them to the Israelite king in Samaria, where their sight is restored. Instead of slaughtering them, though, Elisha orders that they be fed and allowed to return home. So, an army sent to kill him gets fed and sent home, but kids who call him bald are killed by BEARS!? This Elisha seems to be a finicky character, sometimes.

Later, the ungrateful Arameans return and lay siege to Jehoram's city of Samaria. The siege lasts so long that famine becomes quite severe in Samaria. The citizens are resorting to cannibalism, killing and cooking their own children in order to survive. Jehoram has had enough, says screw it, blames God and his prophet for this mess, and goes to kill Elisha. But Elisha claims the siege and famine will be over soon and, sure enough, it is. The encamped Arameans think they hear a massive army in the night and flee back home, leaving all their gear, supplies, and food behind for the citizens to plunder.

Still later, the same king of Aram is ill and sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will, but then bursts into tears, foreseeing that Hazael himself will become king of Aram and do many treacherous things to Israel. Hearing this news, Hazael returns, smothers the king of Aram and assumes his throne. Hey, Elisha, you ever think that maybe if you hadn't said anything Hazael wouldn't have gotten the idea to become king so strongly implanted in his head? Hmm?

Ok, here the lineage of these kings get kind of confusing. In Israel in the north, we've gone from Ahab, to Ahaziah, to Jehoram, right? Well, in the meantime, in Judah to the south, we've gone from Jehoshaphat, to his son Jehoram (different than Israel's Jehoram), to Ahaziah (different from the now dead Ahaziah of Israel - the dude that fell out of the window). Got it straight? Good. If not, wikipedia has a slightly less confusing flow chart of the kings right here.

So at this time, Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah team up to battle Hazael of Aram. Jehoram is wounded and retreats to Jezreel for medical attention. Ahaziah also goes to Jezreel to visit him. Meanwhile, Elisha tells a servant to go to an Israelite army commander by the name of Jehu. In secret, the servant is to anoint Jehu as king of Israel and then RUN AWAY as fast as he freakin' can!

The servant does just this. After much prodding, Jehu eventually tells the other army commanders what just happened, and they all support him as the new king. They head off to Jezreel* and Jehu kills both Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. Entering the town, Jehu heads to the house of Ahab's widow, the evil Jezebel. He calls to her aids to throw her out of the window, and they comply. On impacting the ground, her blood splattered on the wall and some nearby horses, who then proceeded to trample all over her body. Then dogs ate her corpse, leaving only her skull, hands, and feet. Nice.

Then Jehu sent word to Samaria that the king's servants should kill all the remaining descendants of Ahab, 70 in all. He decreed their heads should be sent to him in baskets, and he soon received baskets full of 70 severed heads. Nice one, Jehu. Nice one.

But Jehu wasn't finished with his cleansing slaughter! On his way to Samaria, he came across 42 relatives of Ahaziah of Judah and promptly killed them all. If Elisha was with him he could have just had BEARS maul the lot of them. Jehu made his way to Samaria and called all worshipers of Baal in Israel to the temple of Baal for a grand shindig and sacrifice. Guess what?

IT'S A TRAP!

With all the Baal worshipers in one place, Jehu kills them all, destroys the temple, and turns it into a latrine! I'm sure he regularly enjoyed taking a leak on the ashes of the temple of Baal. I mean, who wouldn't? Good stuff, Jehu, good stuff.

*By the way, I now have a new insult to yell at poor drivers. When the treasonous crew approaches Jezreel in the chariots, the sentinel at the gates of the city says it looks like Jehu is coming, "for he drives like a maniac" (9:20). You crazy Jehu! Learn how to drive!

2 Kings 1-5

Sadly, the first 5 chapters in 2 Kings* lack prostitutes. But boy howdy do they have violence!

The tale starts off with King Ahaziah of Israel, the son of Ahab, falling out of his window and seriously injuring himself. Man, I bet Ahaziah was glad they didn't have 24/7 cable news channels back then. Not recovering, the king sends messengers to the foreign city of Ekron to ask the god Baal-zebub** if he'll ever be healed. Elijah intercepts the messengers and asks if there's no God in Israel that Ahaziah must seek a god in Ekron for help. With this quip, he sends the messengers back and tells them that the king will die.

Ahaziah is not pleased with the news, and sends a captain with 50 soldiers out to get Elijah. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! With a mere sentence, Elijah calls down fire from heaven that kills all the men. Not disuaded, the king sends another batch of men, but they meet the same fate. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! A third captain and 50 men are sent out, but these guys are understandably terrified. They beg Elijah not to kill them. Since they were so nice, Elijah agreed, went with them to the king, and repeated his decree that the king would die. Ahaziah dies without a son, so his brother Jehoram becomes king.Elijah and his buddy Elisha walk around a lot. They do the same things repetitively to drive home the point that they're doing important stuff. Elijah strikes the Jordan river and the water parts. Elijah must have been a Moses fanboy. The two cross the river and a chariot of fire and horses swings down and Elijah is taken away in a whirlwind. Elisha is now the big prophet on campus and similarly parts the Jordan to get back across the river. Some other prophets go off looking for Elijah, thinking the whirlwind picked him up and merely tossed him at a mountain like a dog with a chew toy. They never find a body. Duh duh DUH!

Elisha runs around performing some miracles, proving he's an agent of God. On his way to Bethel some kids start mocking him for being bald. Elisha curses the kids and TWO BEARS come out of the woods and maul 42 boys! DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA! How much would it suck to call a guy bald and then have bears go on a rampage, killing you and 41 of your friends? I wonder if Elisha ever thought this was overkill? Maybe he wasn't quite used to his new found prophetic power and just meant to swear at the little brats. I mean, really, what are you supposed to do when the parents of 42 kids you sicked bears on ask you what the deal is?

Later, Jehoshaphat of Judah and Jehoram of Israel team up to invade Moab. They run out of water in their journey so Elisha makes water appear without rain. He also says the Lord will grant them victory over Moab. The invading army does enjoy extensive victories throughout the land of Moab until they come to the fortress of Kir-hareseth and the Moab king sacrifices his firstborn son atop the fortress walls. Some how that turns the tide of the war and invading armies turn back.

But, what about Elisha's prophesy of victory? Huh, baldy? What about that one? I don't know. I guess he didn't say it would be a total victory. Maybe they did enough damage to Moab to consider it a victory for their purposes. Or maybe I'm just making that up. Without further explanation, though, it seems like a bit of a plot hole to me. Still better than nuking a fridge, though.

Elisha performs some more miracles, including raising a boy from the dead and making small amounts of food stretch a long way and feeding multitudes of people. Notice how many of Jesus' miracles resemble those of Elijah and Elisha's? I bet that was in the back of people's minds in 30AD Galilee. Context people!

Naaman, an army commander of Aram, has leprosy*** and seeks help in Israel. He comes to Elisha who tells him to simply wash in the Jordan. After intitial disbelief, Naaman does this and is healed. He then swears to only worship the Lord, but begs to be pardoned when, due to his position, has to accompany the King of Aram into the temple of their god Rimmon.

Naaman wishes to pay Elisha, but the prophet contends he only does as God says, and is not a miracle worker for hire. His assistant, Gehazi, however, disagrees. He goes behind Elisha's back to receive payment from Naaman. Elisha finds out, of course, and curses Gehazi with the leprosy Naaman was just healed of!

DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA!



*1 and 2 Kings were originally a singular text that got split in twain somewhere down the line.

**According to my commentary, Baal-zebub literally translates to "Baal, lord of the flies," which would be a rather insulting title. It's likely a Hebrew twist on the more usual Baal-zebul, "Baal the exalted." Oh, those crazy Hebrew authors, always taking subtle jabs at foreign gods. Riotous!

***When we think leprosy, we think of the specific disease. However, in the Bible it tends to refer to any number of skin diseases.

The Silmarillion

In all my plethora of useless geek information, my knowledge of the Hobbitverse seems lacking, especially when my girlfriend can ace me on all things Lord of the Rings. I've seen the movies. I've read the books. Well, kinda. I believe the Hobbit was read to us in elementary school at some point. On my own, I've made it through Fellowship and halfway through Two Towers, but then I was distracted by something shiny. It was probably a C-3PO action figure. It's hard not to be distracted by the aesthetic glory of a nice, shiny droid.

So, after some prodding, she got me to sit down and read some of the opening passages of Tolkien's The Silmarillion. Now, this book is a collection of the myths, legends, and history of the early, early days of Middle-earth and the Hobbitverse. So far, I've read the two chapters preceding the Silmarillion proper, as well as the first chapter of the titular section.

The Ainulindale and Valaquenta talk about the creation of the Ainur (angel-like spirits) and the earth, as well as the inhabiting of the earth by the Ainur. It deals a lot with the strife between the Ainur at large and a renegade Ainur named Melkor (Lucifer parallel, anyone?). The Ainur are attributed pantheistic qualities, resembling the assortment of gods in Greek and Roman mythology.

Tolkien's writing is rich and dense. I found myself having to read the same paragraph over and over just to more fully grasp what was going on. A flurry of new and unfamiliar names were thrown at me and it was, at times, hard to keep up. However, even if you don't fully comprehend the text, Tolkien's style is so elegant that you realize you're reading something truly beautiful. It easily reminds me of ancient poetry, be it Biblical, Homeric, or other. However, it's a bit more streamlined than actual ancient texts, probably because it's the product of one mind instead of the cobbling together of various traditions and oral histories.

It's certainly neat and beautifully well-written. As a passive LotR fan, though, I didn't recognize a whole lot of what was going on. However, I must admit a twinge of excitement passing through me at a mention of Sauron in the Valaquenta. Finally, someone I know!

I don't know how much more of this I'll continue reading, though. Time will tell on that one. If I do proceed farther, it won't necessarily be because it's all LotR related (sorry Alanna!). It's actually very interesting just from the standpoint of being a modern creation of a purely fictitious mythology.

Somewhere, though, I'm sure some ultra-naive Christian leader would decry it a devilish and blasphemous act to read a mythology other than that of Christianity. I'll take my chances.

1 Kings 11-22

The story thus far: Creation. Sin. Flood. Noahic Covenant, Abrahamic Covenant, Egypt, Exodus, Mosaic Covenant, Conquering of Canaan. Judges. Monarchy! Saul. Davidic Covenant. Solomon.

Chapter 11 opens up detailing Solomon's fetish for foreign women, numbering 700. He also had 300 concubines for good measure. These women led him astray and he worshiped their idols instead of the Lord. God is not happy.

Meanwhile, several adversaries to Israel show up, several of them holding old grudges against Solomon's papa David. While only briefly mentioned, some of these could make interesting stories of intrigue. How cool would a revenge movie about Hadad the Edomite be? (Answer: A really flippin' cool movie! Perfect for Ridley Scott ala Gladiator)

So one of these usurpers is Jeroboam, who's told by the prophet Ahijah (I'm surprised that more of these names aren't being underlined by spellcheck) that God will give him control over the 10 northern tribes of Israel. Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes the throne. Apparently his daddy, though wise, was pretty harsh on the populace. The citizens beg Rehoboam to be more lenient in his reign. Rehoboam (screw it, I'm calling him "Remy") consults with daddy's advisers, who tell the new king to give the people what they want. But Remy's childhood friends tell him to return a harsh response, so that the people will fear and therefore respect him. Who was Remy's friend, Darth Vader? Remy, like a punk, listens to his friends, and the 10 northern tribes consequently succeed and appoint Jeroboam ("Jerry") as their king.

CIVIL WAR!!

Now we've got at split between the northern kingdom of Israel and the southern kingdom of Judah. Way to go Solomon. Hope those near 1000 women were worth it.

Jerry sets up new places of worship in the north and forges two golden calves for the people to worship (so they won't have to go down to Jerusalem in Judah to get their praise on). God sends a prophet to scold Jerry for this, but then another prophet tricks the first prophet. God then sends a lion to kill the prophet that was tricked. Yes, be wary, for the Lord dispatches lions to attack those who disobey him. Lions!

Throughout all this time, there was armed conflict between the territories of Jerry and Remy. Turns out Remy is just as bad as Jerry when it comes to doing evil. God was displeased. As you can see, the Israelites were in a very bad way post-Solomon.

The next couple chapters deal with the various kings of both kingdoms, alternating halfway coherently between the two. The events recorded seem to deal specifically with religious and theological themes and matters. For more about the historical actions and events taking place during this time, the reader is advised to read the Book of the Annals of the Kings of Israel and the Book of the Annals of the Kings of Judah. These books are presumed lost, which is a real bummer, especially for history geeks like me.

Moving along, we eventually find Ahab as king of Israel. He's the son of King Omri, who had apparently made quite an impression on neighboring countries. According to the commentary in my NRSV New Oxford Annotated Bible, outside sources of the period call Israel "the land of the house of Omri." Of course, in the Bible, Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord and was a very bad dude. His heir Ahab followed suit in his bad dudeness, especially with the assistance of his manipulative wife Jezebel. Here's a tip, folks, don't name your daughter Jezebel. It has not-so-nice connotations.

The team of Ahab and Jezebel further the tradition of worshiping foreign gods, such as Baal and Asherah. Enter Elijah. Boom! Prophet time. Elijah rebuked Ahab, then fled for his life as the king, understandably, tried to hunt the meddlesome prophet down. Many miraculous things happened to Elijah, including the raising of a boy from the dead. But then God called Elijah back to face Ahab once again.

Showdown at Mount Carmel!

Elijah meets the 450 prophets of Baal at the top of Mount Carmel. Each side will call upon their deity to light an altar on fire. The prophets of Baal spend all day frantically running about trying to get a response, but they only receive sarcastic mocking from Elijah (maybe Baal is too busy taking a dump to answer you! Haha! That Elijah, what a hoot). Then the big E-man is up. He douses the altar in water (making it extra hard to ignite) and says a short, small prayer to God. The whole altar is engulfed in flames and the people see once again that the Lord is the one and only true God.

Elijah then kills all 450 prophets of Baal. He was busy that day.

Queen Jezebel is quite upset by this. She threatens to kill Elijah. So, the prophet flees, sits down under a tree, and asks to die. Not so fast! God tells him to go anoint some kings and a successor (Elisha) first. By this time, Jehoshaphat is king of Judah. He and Ahab team up to fight off the nation of Aram. Ahab dies in the battle like a sucker. Prostitutes wash themselves in his blood. For real! That's how the story of Ahab ends. Prostitutes. Washing themselves. In the blood of the slain king. I don't remember that story from Sunday School!

And that brings us to the book of Second Kings. What will that book hold for us? I'm guessing more violence and prostitutes.

New Blog

All you readers from SLM are probably in a fury right now, exclaiming "Hates movies??? What? How could this be?!" Well, the title of the page is a bit of an exaggeration. It's not really true at all. But SHM is the polar opposite of SLM, and I'm a sucker for good symmetry.

So if SHM isn't about hating movies, what's it about? Well, just about anything that wouldn't fall into the 'loving of movies' category. This is for all the other aspects of Smitch, be it literature, philosophy, religion, politics, or deranged paranoia.

Enjoy.