King Jehoshaphat dies and his son Jehoram becomes king. Jehoram aims to stay king, so he kills all his brothers, ensuring that only he can claim the throne. He's also married to a daughter of the evil Israelite king Ahab and followers her ways, which are evil.
He receives a letter from the prophet Elijah*, rebuking him for not following God. The letter lists a series of calamities to befall Jehoram, including a disease of the bowels which will plague him until, um, his "bowels come out, day after day, because of the disease" (21:15). Uh...did Elijah just curse a king with extreme diarrhea? Well, let's just see what happens in verse 19. "In course of time, at the end of two years, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great agony." Um...wow. Nice one, Elijah. I think I would rather have Elisha's BEARS!
So Ahaziah is now king. He's also evil and teams up with the king of Israel to fight some Arameans. Here, the Chronicler briefly covers the story of Jehu killing both the king of Israel and Ahaziah, the king of Judah. Then Ahaziah's mother kills the rest of the royal family so she can rule. But little Joash hides in a room for half a dozen years. Duh duh dun!
Now we get the story of the super good priest Jehoiada, who conspires to anoint the boy king and kill Ahaziah's mother. All this comes to pass and the 7 year old becomes king. The Chronicler has a high opinion of Jehoiada, for he says that Joash was a good king until the priest died. Then things started to fall apart.
Joash strayed from God and things went bad. Then Zechariah, the son of Jehoiada, prophesied against Joash because of the evil he was doing. Joash killed him. Ahem. Joash killed the son of the dude that made him king! Joash would still be locked up in that room if it was for Zechariah's father! Dude! But Joash's servants notice the cruelty, conspire, and kill the king.
His son, the amazing Amaziah, takes the throne. And then he killed the dudes who killed his father. Then he has a major victory over Edom and starts worshiping the foreign gods he brings back with him. Full of hubris, he challenges the king of Israel to battle. That king says he'll crush Amaziah, so he should just go away. Amaziah doesn't listen, goes to war anyway, and totally gets his butt kicked. After this embarrassing defeat, some of the locals are like "screw this." They try to kill the king, but he flees. They catch up with him, though, and Amaziah is no more.
*Since Elijah and Elisha are active mainly in the northern kingdom of Israel, and the Chronicler says poo poo to Israel, mentions of them are scarce in this book. Unfortunately, that probably means the Chronicler won't cover Elisha's awesome power to have BEARS kill children.
Showing posts with label BEARS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BEARS. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Michael and BEARS!
My brother (check out his blog here) just informed me that there is a Michael W. Smith song, Love Me Good, that contains the lyrics "you never know when you might be attacked by the BEARS."
Has Michael been mocking bald people?
I find the video below kind of disturbing for reasons I can't quite place my finger on.
Has Michael been mocking bald people?
I find the video below kind of disturbing for reasons I can't quite place my finger on.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
2 Kings 16-20
Behold the might of the ASSYRIAN EMPIRE! Duh duh duh!
Jotham's son, King Ahaz of of Judah was an evil bugger that did not follow the Lord. He worshiped other gods, which included the sacrificing of his son with fire. This was probably an act of worship to the god Molech. Aram and Israel team up against Judah, so Ahaz seeks the help of Assyria. The great Assyrian Empire enters the fray and wipes out Aram. Ahaz goes back to his streak of idolatry by building a new altar in the Temple.
Up north in Israel, Hoshea is king and being bullied by King Shalmaneser of Assyria. Hoshea tries to appease him via tribute, but Shalmaneser invades, conquers, and exiles the rest of the populace to Assyria. Israel is then repopulated with foreigners. But they worship their own gods, so God sends lions to attack them! Not quite BEARS, but it'll do. So the King of Assyria sends an Israelite priest back to teach the folks how to worship the Lord. They don't do this exclusively, though, but just add him to their collective of deities to worship.
Back in Judah, Ahaz dies and his son Hezekiah takes over. Hezekiah is the first truly, all out, godly King since David. He removes all of the idols and idolatrous altars throughout Judah, reestablishing monotheism in the land. Now Assyria invades Judah and is knocking on Hezekiah's door. Sennacherib, the current king of Assyria sends his servants to the gates of Jerusalem to get Hezekiah and Judah to surrender. But Hezekiah is defiant! Way to be, Hezekiah, way to be.
The Assyrian servants loudly taunt and exclaim the horrors that should befall the people if Judah doesn't surrender. Hezekiah's men at the gate beg these Assyrian ambassadors to speak in another language, so any nearby citizens of Jerusalem won't hear the threatening things being said. The Assyrians respond, still in Hebrew, to the citizens listening in that they will be forced to "eat their own dung" and "drink their own urine" (18:27)! Seriously, I don't think literature gets any better than this! And I'd bet that, like today, such an insult would be vocalized in a much more derogatory fashion than as it's recorded here.
Hezekiah seeks out the prophet Isaiah for help. Isaiah says all will be well and not to worry. The Assyrians threaten ag
ain, so Hezekiah goes to the Temple to pray for victory. Isaiah confirms that God has heard Hezekiah's prayer and all will be well. That night an angel comes down and reportedly kills 185,000 Assyrian troops*, which causes the rest of the army to pack up and go home the next day.
Hezekiah later falls ill and prays to be healed. Isaiah confirms that the king will be healed. But Hezekiah wants to know if it will be temporary or long lasting. If it's to be permanent, an advancing shadow should recede. Isaiah says this will happen and, at his word, the shadow goes backwards, implying that the Lord has control over the position of the sun (or can reverse the rotation of the earth. Or maybe it was just a cloud caught in a funky wind. Whatever, the shadow went the other way, deal with it!).
Then some Babylonians come on good terms and check out Hezekiah's digs. Isaiah later reveals that these Babylonians will be the downfall of Judah after Hezekiah is gone. The king responds that this is fine. Why should he care what comes later as long as there is peace during his reign? Hezekiah's a dick.
* The Bible has a track record of it's numbers and tallies not matching up to what we interpret them as today. Some have suggested that words like "thousand" may have held a different numerical value other than 1000. Sennacherib of Assyria usually kept detailed records of his military excursions, though they conspicuously say nothing about the sudden abandonment of the siege of Jerusalem. As for the death of so many men, some suggest the "angel of the Lord" could have come in the form of disease or plague. Or vampires.
Jotham's son, King Ahaz of of Judah was an evil bugger that did not follow the Lord. He worshiped other gods, which included the sacrificing of his son with fire. This was probably an act of worship to the god Molech. Aram and Israel team up against Judah, so Ahaz seeks the help of Assyria. The great Assyrian Empire enters the fray and wipes out Aram. Ahaz goes back to his streak of idolatry by building a new altar in the Temple.
Up north in Israel, Hoshea is king and being bullied by King Shalmaneser of Assyria. Hoshea tries to appease him via tribute, but Shalmaneser invades, conquers, and exiles the rest of the populace to Assyria. Israel is then repopulated with foreigners. But they worship their own gods, so God sends lions to attack them! Not quite BEARS, but it'll do. So the King of Assyria sends an Israelite priest back to teach the folks how to worship the Lord. They don't do this exclusively, though, but just add him to their collective of deities to worship.
Back in Judah, Ahaz dies and his son Hezekiah takes over. Hezekiah is the first truly, all out, godly King since David. He removes all of the idols and idolatrous altars throughout Judah, reestablishing monotheism in the land. Now Assyria invades Judah and is knocking on Hezekiah's door. Sennacherib, the current king of Assyria sends his servants to the gates of Jerusalem to get Hezekiah and Judah to surrender. But Hezekiah is defiant! Way to be, Hezekiah, way to be.
The Assyrian servants loudly taunt and exclaim the horrors that should befall the people if Judah doesn't surrender. Hezekiah's men at the gate beg these Assyrian ambassadors to speak in another language, so any nearby citizens of Jerusalem won't hear the threatening things being said. The Assyrians respond, still in Hebrew, to the citizens listening in that they will be forced to "eat their own dung" and "drink their own urine" (18:27)! Seriously, I don't think literature gets any better than this! And I'd bet that, like today, such an insult would be vocalized in a much more derogatory fashion than as it's recorded here.
Enter Isaiah!
Hezekiah seeks out the prophet Isaiah for help. Isaiah says all will be well and not to worry. The Assyrians threaten ag
ain, so Hezekiah goes to the Temple to pray for victory. Isaiah confirms that God has heard Hezekiah's prayer and all will be well. That night an angel comes down and reportedly kills 185,000 Assyrian troops*, which causes the rest of the army to pack up and go home the next day.Hezekiah later falls ill and prays to be healed. Isaiah confirms that the king will be healed. But Hezekiah wants to know if it will be temporary or long lasting. If it's to be permanent, an advancing shadow should recede. Isaiah says this will happen and, at his word, the shadow goes backwards, implying that the Lord has control over the position of the sun (or can reverse the rotation of the earth. Or maybe it was just a cloud caught in a funky wind. Whatever, the shadow went the other way, deal with it!).
Then some Babylonians come on good terms and check out Hezekiah's digs. Isaiah later reveals that these Babylonians will be the downfall of Judah after Hezekiah is gone. The king responds that this is fine. Why should he care what comes later as long as there is peace during his reign? Hezekiah's a dick.
* The Bible has a track record of it's numbers and tallies not matching up to what we interpret them as today. Some have suggested that words like "thousand" may have held a different numerical value other than 1000. Sennacherib of Assyria usually kept detailed records of his military excursions, though they conspicuously say nothing about the sudden abandonment of the siege of Jerusalem. As for the death of so many men, some suggest the "angel of the Lord" could have come in the form of disease or plague. Or vampires.
2 Kings 11-15
Man, so far 2 Kings has been a dry streak when it comes to prostitutes. But the violence and political intrigue continues!
Remember a couple chapters back how Jehu killed Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah? Well, Ahaziah's mother, Athaliah, quickly kills the rest of the Judean royal family so that she can rule. But Joash*, the king's infant son, was hidden in a bedroom with his nurse. And there he stayed for six years!
Eventually, a priest named Jehoiada arranges for Joash to be transported to the Temple in secret and anoints him king of Judah. Athaliah is outraged by this, but then is quickly taken away by guards and executed. But, was this really such a great idea, Jehoiada? Did you think this all the way through? You just crowned a 7 year-old as king. He's only SEVEN (or in Fincher terms, Se7en)! And so far he's spent all of those years secluded in a closet! He probably doesn't have the best grasp of domestic and foreign issues.
Oh, but I see, Jehoiada acted like a puppet master, instructing Joash on how he should rule. However, later in life, he butts heads with the priest over the issue of repairing the Temple. The priests don't want to spend the money, so Joash gets more personally involved with overseeing the allocation of funds. Since, by this time, it has been at least a century since Solomon first built the Temple, it's understandable that the structure would be in need of some repairs. Good thinking, Joash.
Hazael of Aram makes another aggressive appearance, but Joash pays him off and the Aramean army leaves without incident. But then Joash's servants rebel and kill him. His son Amaziah assumes the throne. Amaziah. Now that's an amazing name!
Meanwhile, Jehu of Israel dies and his son Jehoahaz becomes king. More wars with Aram occur, and then he dies and is followed by his son Joash.** During his reign Elisha becomes seriously ill, so Joash has a pow-wow with the prophet. Elisha tells the king to do a bunch of funny stuff with a bow and arrow to symbolize what Israel will do to Aram. I'm not sure Elisha was all there at this point. He yells at Joash for striking the ground with arrows three times instead of five or six. Joash just better be glad Elisha didn't call some BEARS over.
So, Elisha dies and they bury the bald prophet. During an unrelated funeral, some passing marauders throw the deceased into Elisha's grave. When the corpse touched the bones of Elisha, it came back to life! So, even when he's dead, Elisha can bring people back to life? Maybe he could've tried to bring himself back to life, too? I'm sure there were many more bratty kids in those days that needed to be eaten by BEARS!
Back to Judah. Amaziah becomes king and immediately kills the servants that killed his father Joash (you figure out which Joash it is this time. This is giving me a headache). He had some victories over the nation of Edom, got high on hubris, and challanged Israel to some battling. King Joash (gah!) dismissed the notion, implying he'd squash Judah and Amaziah should just go away. But Amaziah pressed the issue, and summarily had his butt handed to him by Israel. Then folks conspired against Amaziah, killed him, and made his sixteen year-old son Azariah*** king. Guess Amaziah wasn't all that amazing, was he? Zing! Anyway, Azariah was stricken with leprosy and his son Jotham ruled in his stead until Azariah died and Jotham became king for real.
Israel time. Joash (gah!) dies and his son Jeroboam (double gah!) becomes king. Okay, yet again, this is a different Jeroboam than we've had previously, but they were both kings of the northern kingdom of Israel. So we'll call this guy Jeroboam II (Jerry II). Interesting tidbit: during the time of Jerry II we get the prophets Amos, Hosea, and Jonah, though only Jonah is briefly mentioned. Jerry II dies and the crown passes to his son Zechariah.
More political intrigue! Zechariah rules for six months before he's killed by a conspiracy led by Shallum. But he only reigns for a single month until another dude, Menahem, kills him! Menahem becomes king and attacks the town of Tiphsah, resorting to such savageries as ripping "open all the pregnant women in it" (15:16). Menahem eventually dies and is followed by his son Pekahiah. But a captain, Pekah, launches a conspiracy and kills Pekahiah and becomes king. Then the Assyrians attack! A large chunk of the population is captured and exiled to Assyria. Pekah is then killed by Hoshea, who assumes the throne. Israel is a very politically unstable place.
Confused yet?
*Another way to spell Joash is "Jehoash." The biblical authors use both spellings interchangeably. Way to make this even more confusing!
**Are you kidding me?! I used to think biblical names were all unique and weird, but when you actually read through the thing you find they're as common as Bob, John, or Bort. And NO! this isn't the same Joash we just covered, it's a different one. This is Joash of Israel, not Joash of Judah. However, the same note about the spelling still applies. Wonderful.
***Azariah is also called Uzziah and, of course, the two names are used interchangeably. If you're not aware of this, the story gets even more confusing, if you can believe that!
Remember a couple chapters back how Jehu killed Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah? Well, Ahaziah's mother, Athaliah, quickly kills the rest of the Judean royal family so that she can rule. But Joash*, the king's infant son, was hidden in a bedroom with his nurse. And there he stayed for six years!
Eventually, a priest named Jehoiada arranges for Joash to be transported to the Temple in secret and anoints him king of Judah. Athaliah is outraged by this, but then is quickly taken away by guards and executed. But, was this really such a great idea, Jehoiada? Did you think this all the way through? You just crowned a 7 year-old as king. He's only SEVEN (or in Fincher terms, Se7en)! And so far he's spent all of those years secluded in a closet! He probably doesn't have the best grasp of domestic and foreign issues.
Oh, but I see, Jehoiada acted like a puppet master, instructing Joash on how he should rule. However, later in life, he butts heads with the priest over the issue of repairing the Temple. The priests don't want to spend the money, so Joash gets more personally involved with overseeing the allocation of funds. Since, by this time, it has been at least a century since Solomon first built the Temple, it's understandable that the structure would be in need of some repairs. Good thinking, Joash.
Hazael of Aram makes another aggressive appearance, but Joash pays him off and the Aramean army leaves without incident. But then Joash's servants rebel and kill him. His son Amaziah assumes the throne. Amaziah. Now that's an amazing name!
Meanwhile, Jehu of Israel dies and his son Jehoahaz becomes king. More wars with Aram occur, and then he dies and is followed by his son Joash.** During his reign Elisha becomes seriously ill, so Joash has a pow-wow with the prophet. Elisha tells the king to do a bunch of funny stuff with a bow and arrow to symbolize what Israel will do to Aram. I'm not sure Elisha was all there at this point. He yells at Joash for striking the ground with arrows three times instead of five or six. Joash just better be glad Elisha didn't call some BEARS over.
So, Elisha dies and they bury the bald prophet. During an unrelated funeral, some passing marauders throw the deceased into Elisha's grave. When the corpse touched the bones of Elisha, it came back to life! So, even when he's dead, Elisha can bring people back to life? Maybe he could've tried to bring himself back to life, too? I'm sure there were many more bratty kids in those days that needed to be eaten by BEARS!
Back to Judah. Amaziah becomes king and immediately kills the servants that killed his father Joash (you figure out which Joash it is this time. This is giving me a headache). He had some victories over the nation of Edom, got high on hubris, and challanged Israel to some battling. King Joash (gah!) dismissed the notion, implying he'd squash Judah and Amaziah should just go away. But Amaziah pressed the issue, and summarily had his butt handed to him by Israel. Then folks conspired against Amaziah, killed him, and made his sixteen year-old son Azariah*** king. Guess Amaziah wasn't all that amazing, was he? Zing! Anyway, Azariah was stricken with leprosy and his son Jotham ruled in his stead until Azariah died and Jotham became king for real.
Israel time. Joash (gah!) dies and his son Jeroboam (double gah!) becomes king. Okay, yet again, this is a different Jeroboam than we've had previously, but they were both kings of the northern kingdom of Israel. So we'll call this guy Jeroboam II (Jerry II). Interesting tidbit: during the time of Jerry II we get the prophets Amos, Hosea, and Jonah, though only Jonah is briefly mentioned. Jerry II dies and the crown passes to his son Zechariah.
More political intrigue! Zechariah rules for six months before he's killed by a conspiracy led by Shallum. But he only reigns for a single month until another dude, Menahem, kills him! Menahem becomes king and attacks the town of Tiphsah, resorting to such savageries as ripping "open all the pregnant women in it" (15:16). Menahem eventually dies and is followed by his son Pekahiah. But a captain, Pekah, launches a conspiracy and kills Pekahiah and becomes king. Then the Assyrians attack! A large chunk of the population is captured and exiled to Assyria. Pekah is then killed by Hoshea, who assumes the throne. Israel is a very politically unstable place.
Confused yet?
*Another way to spell Joash is "Jehoash." The biblical authors use both spellings interchangeably. Way to make this even more confusing!
**Are you kidding me?! I used to think biblical names were all unique and weird, but when you actually read through the thing you find they're as common as Bob, John, or Bort. And NO! this isn't the same Joash we just covered, it's a different one. This is Joash of Israel, not Joash of Judah. However, the same note about the spelling still applies. Wonderful.
***Azariah is also called Uzziah and, of course, the two names are used interchangeably. If you're not aware of this, the story gets even more confusing, if you can believe that!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
2 Kings 6-10
Still no prostitutes! But what about the violence, you may ask? What about the violence, Smitch? Oh, believe me, there is more violence. 70 severed heads in a basket, anyone?
But before we get to that, Elisha has more miracles to perform, including making iron float in water! Amazing. He also forewarns the king of Israel about the military movements of the Arameans. This perturbs the king of Aram, who dispatches a large squad to capture Elisha. Elisha's servant is scared of the oncoming force until Elisha reveals unto him the heavenly army protecting them.
But when the army arrives, Elisha prays that the Lord will blind it. The soldiers are immediately blind and Elisha tricks them into thinking they're in the wrong spot. The prophet then leads them to the Israelite king in Samaria, where their sight is restored. Instead of slaughtering them, though, Elisha orders that they be fed and allowed to return home. So, an army sent to kill him gets fed and sent home, but kids who call him bald are killed by BEARS!? This Elisha seems to be a finicky cha
racter, sometimes.
Later, the ungrateful Arameans return and lay siege to Jehoram's city of Samaria. The siege lasts so long that famine becomes quite severe in Samaria. The citizens are resorting to cannibalism, killing and cooking their own children in order to survive. Jehoram has had enough, says screw it, blames God and his prophet for this mess, and goes to kill Elisha. But Elisha claims the siege and famine will be over soon and, sure enough, it is. The encamped Arameans think they hear a massive army in the night and flee back home, leaving all their gear, supplies, and food behind for the citizens to plunder.
Still later, the same king of Aram is ill and sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will, but then bursts into tears, foreseeing that Hazael himself will become king of Aram and do many treacherous things to Israel. Hearing this news, Hazael returns, smothers the king of Aram and assumes his throne. Hey, Elisha, you ever think that maybe if you hadn't said anything Hazael wouldn't have gotten the idea to become king so strongly implanted in his head? Hmm?
Ok, here the lineage of these kings get kind of confusing. In Israel in the north, we've gone from Ahab, to Ahaziah, to Jehoram, right? Well, in the meantime, in Judah to the south, we've gone from Jehoshaphat, to his son Jehoram (different than Israel's Jehoram), to Ahaziah (different from the now dead Ahaziah of Israel - the dude that fell out of the window). Got it straight? Good. If not, wikipedia has a slightly less confusing flow chart of the kings right here.
So at this time, Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah team up to battle Hazael of Aram. Jehoram is wounded and retreats to Jezreel for medical attention. Ahaziah also goes to Jezreel to visit him. Meanwhile, Elisha tells a servant to go to an Israelite army commander by the name of Jehu. In secret, the servant is to anoint Jehu as king of Israel and then RUN AWAY as fast as he freakin' can!
The servant does just this. After much prodding, Jehu eventually tells the other army commanders what just happened, and they all support him as the new king. They head off to Jezreel* and Jehu kills both Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. Entering the town, Jehu heads to the house of Ahab's widow, the evil Jezebel. He calls to her aids to throw her out of the window, and they comply. On impacting the ground, her blood splattered on the wall and some nearby horses, who then proceeded to trample all over her body. Then dogs ate her corpse, leaving only her skull, hands, and feet. Nice.
Then Jehu sent word to Samaria that the king's servants should kill all the remaining descendants of Ahab, 70 in all. He decreed their heads should be sent to him in baskets, and he soon received baskets full of 70 severed heads. Nice one, Jehu. Nice one.
But Jehu wasn't finished with his cleansing slaughter! On his way to Samaria, he came across 42 relatives of Ahaziah of Judah and promptly killed them all. If Elisha was with him he could have just had BEARS maul the lot of them. Jehu made his way to Samaria and called all worshipers of Baal in Israel to the temple of Baal for a grand shindig and sacrifice. Guess what?
*By the way, I now have a new insult to yell at poor drivers. When the treasonous crew approaches Jezreel in the chariots, the sentinel at the gates of the city says it looks like Jehu is coming, "for he drives like a maniac" (9:20). You crazy Jehu! Learn how to drive!
But before we get to that, Elisha has more miracles to perform, including making iron float in water! Amazing. He also forewarns the king of Israel about the military movements of the Arameans. This perturbs the king of Aram, who dispatches a large squad to capture Elisha. Elisha's servant is scared of the oncoming force until Elisha reveals unto him the heavenly army protecting them.
But when the army arrives, Elisha prays that the Lord will blind it. The soldiers are immediately blind and Elisha tricks them into thinking they're in the wrong spot. The prophet then leads them to the Israelite king in Samaria, where their sight is restored. Instead of slaughtering them, though, Elisha orders that they be fed and allowed to return home. So, an army sent to kill him gets fed and sent home, but kids who call him bald are killed by BEARS!? This Elisha seems to be a finicky cha
racter, sometimes.Later, the ungrateful Arameans return and lay siege to Jehoram's city of Samaria. The siege lasts so long that famine becomes quite severe in Samaria. The citizens are resorting to cannibalism, killing and cooking their own children in order to survive. Jehoram has had enough, says screw it, blames God and his prophet for this mess, and goes to kill Elisha. But Elisha claims the siege and famine will be over soon and, sure enough, it is. The encamped Arameans think they hear a massive army in the night and flee back home, leaving all their gear, supplies, and food behind for the citizens to plunder.
Still later, the same king of Aram is ill and sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will, but then bursts into tears, foreseeing that Hazael himself will become king of Aram and do many treacherous things to Israel. Hearing this news, Hazael returns, smothers the king of Aram and assumes his throne. Hey, Elisha, you ever think that maybe if you hadn't said anything Hazael wouldn't have gotten the idea to become king so strongly implanted in his head? Hmm?
Ok, here the lineage of these kings get kind of confusing. In Israel in the north, we've gone from Ahab, to Ahaziah, to Jehoram, right? Well, in the meantime, in Judah to the south, we've gone from Jehoshaphat, to his son Jehoram (different than Israel's Jehoram), to Ahaziah (different from the now dead Ahaziah of Israel - the dude that fell out of the window). Got it straight? Good. If not, wikipedia has a slightly less confusing flow chart of the kings right here.
So at this time, Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah team up to battle Hazael of Aram. Jehoram is wounded and retreats to Jezreel for medical attention. Ahaziah also goes to Jezreel to visit him. Meanwhile, Elisha tells a servant to go to an Israelite army commander by the name of Jehu. In secret, the servant is to anoint Jehu as king of Israel and then RUN AWAY as fast as he freakin' can!
The servant does just this. After much prodding, Jehu eventually tells the other army commanders what just happened, and they all support him as the new king. They head off to Jezreel* and Jehu kills both Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. Entering the town, Jehu heads to the house of Ahab's widow, the evil Jezebel. He calls to her aids to throw her out of the window, and they comply. On impacting the ground, her blood splattered on the wall and some nearby horses, who then proceeded to trample all over her body. Then dogs ate her corpse, leaving only her skull, hands, and feet. Nice.
Then Jehu sent word to Samaria that the king's servants should kill all the remaining descendants of Ahab, 70 in all. He decreed their heads should be sent to him in baskets, and he soon received baskets full of 70 severed heads. Nice one, Jehu. Nice one.
But Jehu wasn't finished with his cleansing slaughter! On his way to Samaria, he came across 42 relatives of Ahaziah of Judah and promptly killed them all. If Elisha was with him he could have just had BEARS maul the lot of them. Jehu made his way to Samaria and called all worshipers of Baal in Israel to the temple of Baal for a grand shindig and sacrifice. Guess what?
IT'S A TRAP!
With all the Baal worshipers in one place, Jehu kills them all, destroys the temple, and turns it into a latrine! I'm sure he regularly enjoyed taking a leak on the ashes of the temple of Baal. I mean, who wouldn't? Good stuff, Jehu, good stuff.
With all the Baal worshipers in one place, Jehu kills them all, destroys the temple, and turns it into a latrine! I'm sure he regularly enjoyed taking a leak on the ashes of the temple of Baal. I mean, who wouldn't? Good stuff, Jehu, good stuff.
*By the way, I now have a new insult to yell at poor drivers. When the treasonous crew approaches Jezreel in the chariots, the sentinel at the gates of the city says it looks like Jehu is coming, "for he drives like a maniac" (9:20). You crazy Jehu! Learn how to drive!
2 Kings 1-5
Sadly, the first 5 chapters in 2 Kings* lack prostitutes. But boy howdy do they have violence!
The tale starts off with King Ahaziah of Israel, the son of Ahab, falling out of his window and seriously injuring himself. Man, I bet Ahaziah was glad they didn't have 24/7 cable news channels back then. Not recovering, the king sends messengers to the foreign city of Ekron to ask the god Baal-zebub** if he'll ever be healed. Elijah intercepts the messengers and asks if there's no God in Israel that Ahaziah must seek a god in Ekron for help. With this quip, he sends the messengers back and tells them that the king will die.
Ahaziah is not pleased with the news, and sends a captain with 50 soldiers out to get Elijah. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! With a mere sentence, Elijah calls down fire from heaven that kills all the men. Not disuaded, the king sends another batch of men, but they meet the same fate. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! A third captain and 50 men are sent out, but these guys are understandably terrified. They beg Elijah not to kill them. Since they were so nice, Elijah agreed, went with them to the king, and repeated his decree that the king would die. Ahaziah dies without a son, so his brother Jehoram becomes king.
Elijah and his buddy Elisha walk around a lot. They do the same things repetitively to drive home the point that they're doing important stuff. Elijah strikes the Jordan river and the water parts. Elijah must have been a Moses fanboy. The two cross the river and a chariot of fire and horses swings down and Elijah is taken away in a whirlwind. Elisha is now the big prophet on campus and similarly parts the Jordan to get back across the river. Some other prophets go off looking for Elijah, thinking the whirlwind picked him up and merely tossed him at a mountain like a dog with a chew toy. They never find a body. Duh duh DUH!
Elisha runs around performing some miracles, proving he's an agent of God. On his way to Bethel some kids start mocking him for being bald. Elisha curses the kids and TWO BEARS come out of the woods and maul 42 boys! DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA! How much would it suck to call a guy bald and then have bears go on a rampage, killing you and 41 of your friends? I wonder if Elisha ever thought this was overkill? Maybe he wasn't quite used to his new found prophetic power and just meant to swear at the little brats. I mean, really, what are you supposed to do when the parents of 42 kids you sicked bears on ask you what the deal is?
Later, Jehoshaphat of Judah and Jehoram of Israel team up to invade Moab. They run out of water in their journey so Elisha makes water appear without rain. He also says the Lord will grant them victory over Moab. The invading army does enjoy extensive victories throughout the land of Moab until they come to the fortress of Kir-hareseth and the Moab king sacrifices his firstborn son atop the fortress walls. Some how that turns the tide of the war and invading armies turn back.
But, what about Elisha's prophesy of victory? Huh, baldy? What about that one? I don't know. I guess he didn't say it would be a total victory. Maybe they did enough damage to Moab to consider it a victory for their purposes. Or maybe I'm just making that up. Without further explanation, though, it seems like a bit of a plot hole to me. Still better than nuking a fridge, though.
Elisha performs some more miracles, including raising a boy from the dead and making small amounts of food stretch a long way and feeding multitudes of people. Notice how many of Jesus' miracles resemble those of Elijah and Elisha's? I bet that was in the back of people's minds in 30AD G
alilee. Context people!
Naaman, an army commander of Aram, has leprosy*** and seeks help in Israel. He comes to Elisha who tells him to simply wash in the Jordan. After intitial disbelief, Naaman does this and is healed. He then swears to only worship the Lord, but begs to be pardoned when, due to his position, has to accompany the King of Aram into the temple of their god Rimmon.
Naaman wishes to pay Elisha, but the prophet contends he only does as God says, and is not a miracle worker for hire. His assistant, Gehazi, however, disagrees. He goes behind Elisha's back to receive payment from Naaman. Elisha finds out, of course, and curses Gehazi with the leprosy Naaman was just healed of!
DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA!
*1 and 2 Kings were originally a singular text that got split in twain somewhere down the line.
**According to my commentary, Baal-zebub literally translates to "Baal, lord of the flies," which would be a rather insulting title. It's likely a Hebrew twist on the more usual Baal-zebul, "Baal the exalted." Oh, those crazy Hebrew authors, always taking subtle jabs at foreign gods. Riotous!
***When we think leprosy, we think of the specific disease. However, in the Bible it tends to refer to any number of skin diseases.
The tale starts off with King Ahaziah of Israel, the son of Ahab, falling out of his window and seriously injuring himself. Man, I bet Ahaziah was glad they didn't have 24/7 cable news channels back then. Not recovering, the king sends messengers to the foreign city of Ekron to ask the god Baal-zebub** if he'll ever be healed. Elijah intercepts the messengers and asks if there's no God in Israel that Ahaziah must seek a god in Ekron for help. With this quip, he sends the messengers back and tells them that the king will die.
Ahaziah is not pleased with the news, and sends a captain with 50 soldiers out to get Elijah. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! With a mere sentence, Elijah calls down fire from heaven that kills all the men. Not disuaded, the king sends another batch of men, but they meet the same fate. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! A third captain and 50 men are sent out, but these guys are understandably terrified. They beg Elijah not to kill them. Since they were so nice, Elijah agreed, went with them to the king, and repeated his decree that the king would die. Ahaziah dies without a son, so his brother Jehoram becomes king.
Elijah and his buddy Elisha walk around a lot. They do the same things repetitively to drive home the point that they're doing important stuff. Elijah strikes the Jordan river and the water parts. Elijah must have been a Moses fanboy. The two cross the river and a chariot of fire and horses swings down and Elijah is taken away in a whirlwind. Elisha is now the big prophet on campus and similarly parts the Jordan to get back across the river. Some other prophets go off looking for Elijah, thinking the whirlwind picked him up and merely tossed him at a mountain like a dog with a chew toy. They never find a body. Duh duh DUH!
Elisha runs around performing some miracles, proving he's an agent of God. On his way to Bethel some kids start mocking him for being bald. Elisha curses the kids and TWO BEARS come out of the woods and maul 42 boys! DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA! How much would it suck to call a guy bald and then have bears go on a rampage, killing you and 41 of your friends? I wonder if Elisha ever thought this was overkill? Maybe he wasn't quite used to his new found prophetic power and just meant to swear at the little brats. I mean, really, what are you supposed to do when the parents of 42 kids you sicked bears on ask you what the deal is?
Later, Jehoshaphat of Judah and Jehoram of Israel team up to invade Moab. They run out of water in their journey so Elisha makes water appear without rain. He also says the Lord will grant them victory over Moab. The invading army does enjoy extensive victories throughout the land of Moab until they come to the fortress of Kir-hareseth and the Moab king sacrifices his firstborn son atop the fortress walls. Some how that turns the tide of the war and invading armies turn back.
But, what about Elisha's prophesy of victory? Huh, baldy? What about that one? I don't know. I guess he didn't say it would be a total victory. Maybe they did enough damage to Moab to consider it a victory for their purposes. Or maybe I'm just making that up. Without further explanation, though, it seems like a bit of a plot hole to me. Still better than nuking a fridge, though.
Elisha performs some more miracles, including raising a boy from the dead and making small amounts of food stretch a long way and feeding multitudes of people. Notice how many of Jesus' miracles resemble those of Elijah and Elisha's? I bet that was in the back of people's minds in 30AD G
alilee. Context people!Naaman, an army commander of Aram, has leprosy*** and seeks help in Israel. He comes to Elisha who tells him to simply wash in the Jordan. After intitial disbelief, Naaman does this and is healed. He then swears to only worship the Lord, but begs to be pardoned when, due to his position, has to accompany the King of Aram into the temple of their god Rimmon.
Naaman wishes to pay Elisha, but the prophet contends he only does as God says, and is not a miracle worker for hire. His assistant, Gehazi, however, disagrees. He goes behind Elisha's back to receive payment from Naaman. Elisha finds out, of course, and curses Gehazi with the leprosy Naaman was just healed of!
DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA!
*1 and 2 Kings were originally a singular text that got split in twain somewhere down the line.
**According to my commentary, Baal-zebub literally translates to "Baal, lord of the flies," which would be a rather insulting title. It's likely a Hebrew twist on the more usual Baal-zebul, "Baal the exalted." Oh, those crazy Hebrew authors, always taking subtle jabs at foreign gods. Riotous!
***When we think leprosy, we think of the specific disease. However, in the Bible it tends to refer to any number of skin diseases.
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