Deadpool #900

I'm supposed to be researching and writing an essay right now, but instead I'm going to talk about Deadpool #900.

Have there been 900 issues of Deadpool? No. But if you know Deadpool, you know that doesn't matter. And if you only know Deadpool from the Wolverine film, then I'm very, very sorry. That's like only knowing Tom Bombadil from the Lord of the Rings movies.

"Wait," you say, "Tom Bombadil wasn't in the LotR movies." Yeah, and Deadpool wasn't really in Wolverine either. They did have a character in it named "Deadpool," but other than that...no. And props to me for spelling "Bombadil" correctly on the first try. At least, it's correct according to Wikipedia.

So who is Deadpool? He's a mutant with a healing factor much like Wolverine. He's also a mercenary for hire that does not shut up. Deadpool is comic book absurdity at its finest. He's one of the rare characters that is actually aware of his existence as a comic book character. Because of this, he frequently gets into discussions/arguments with the writer/editor of the given story he's in.

So what's so fancy about this issue 900 thing? Well, it's a collection of short stories staring the proclaimed "Merc with a Mouth." And really, in short, frenetic bursts is where this guy shines. So this is what the book contains:

Close Encounters of the @*#$ed-up Kind: Deadpool gets abducted by aliens. There is an anal probe involved. That about sums it up.

Silent But Deadly: This one is a bit of an homage to the infamous all-silent Snake Eyes issue of the old GI Joe comics. An explosion ruptures Deadpool's ear drums, so he battles a trio of villainous mimes in silence. It's actually pretty neat.

Deadpool Shrunken Master: Deadpool sees a shrink. Again, what more do you need to know?

Pinky Swear: This one was probably my favorite story out of the lot. Deadpool is in the middle of saving the world or something (it's never specified, but who cares?) when he remembers the time has come to collect on a childhood bet he made while in elementary school. So he visits his childhood friend, inadvertently bringing the war he's currently fighting with him. The bet turns out to be childish, immature, and highly inappropriate. Just like Deadpool.

What Happens in Vegas: Deadpool is found dead in a seedy Las Vegas motel and it's up to the cast of CSI to solve the murder mystery. Seriously. Oh, and there's a live chicken at the crime scene.

Great Balls of Thunder on the Deep Blue Sea: Deadpool takes a vacation on board a cruise ship. It doesn't go well.

One Down: This story is kind of odd, but who doesn't love the imagery of Deadpool standing on a pile of Tyrannosauruses while fighting a pirate dragon. That's right. A Pirate Dragon! Anyway, throughout the story Deadpool is having a discussion with the writer/editor/whatever of the story. See, Deadpool is tired of life and wants to die. But his healing factor prevents this from happening. So he rationalizes that if he can't die in the comics, then his comics must die. That means the popularity and, therefore, sales of his comics must go down until Marvel cancels everything he's in. How best to do this? Eliminate the people responsible for his popularity: the readers. Including the readers of this very comic book. In this very existential work, we see that Deadpool is really a self-regenerating, witty Camus. Who likes to kill people.

Turning Japanese: Unlike the others, this is actually a rather long story, and probably the weakest of the bunch. In fact, I didn't really understand it, especially the first couple pages. But then its all about Deadpool becoming a sumo wrestler and then returning years later to fight a midget clone of himself. Sadly, it's not nearly as humorous as that sounds. I mean, it sure could have been, if the story was truncated to just that plot. But for some reason, a whole story is developed to try to add depth to the character.

This has me worried about the Deadpool movie. While I love the concept (especially with Ryan Reynolds playing the lead), this story gave me pause. Deadpool is the comedic foil. He's at his best when his mouth is spitting out an endless stream of irreverent, fourth-wall breaking wit. And that works great in short spurts. But how well will that hold up in a 90 minute movie? Especially if they do what this last story did and try to add depth to the character.

Wait, isn't depth a good thing? It depends. Remember the whole segment in Wolverine that dealt with his love interest and him becoming a lumberjack? Yeah, that was boring as all crap. I don't want my Wolverine to settle down and enjoy the simple life. I want him to go berserk and claw the living crap out of a hundred bad guys! I want the same for Deadpool. But now I fear they'll try to give him a Mary Jane Watson and have him mope around about whether to be Deadpool or give it up for the girl. So that would suck, but 90 minutes of endless one-liners would probably get old quick.

So what's the right way to make a Deadpool movie? Is there a right way? I don't know. But I do love the idea of a bunch of short Deadpool stories in one comic. Deadpool #900 was grand.

Republic No More

Today is a sad day for me. I just found out that Knights of the Old Republic is coming to an end with issue number 50. Now, that issue won't hit for several months now, but author John Jackson Miller says that he's already turned in the final script for it. This is the end of a great ride that I only recently jumped on.

This past summer I heard some buzz about this kooky Star Wars comic called Legacy that takes place 130+ years after the battle of Yavin (the explosion of the first Death Star in the first Star Wars movie). The protagonist of the series is a Jedi turned bounty hunter with a drug habit. Oh, and he's also a descendant of Luke Skywalker and occasionally sees visions/hallucinations of his famous ancestors. It's a pretty nifty read.

But what, says you o' faithful reader, does that have to do with KotoR? Well, part way through Legacy there was a crossover dubbed "Vector" that included all 4 (at the time) Star Wars titles regularly published by Dark Horse. I really didn't want to have to dig through other, unfamiliar titles just to understand what was happening in the Legacy portion. But I ended up doing it anyway. And to my delight, one of those crossover titles was KotoR.

My first impression of KotoR was how humorous it was. Compared to the dark moral ambiguity of Legacy, Miller's title was rather funny and almost lighthearted. The main characters of Zayne and Gryph were bumbling buffoons. Zayne was not a super cool Jedi. Instead, he was a klutzy padawan that hadn't even graduated to the status of Jedi Knight. He was more in line of what I'd be like as a Jedi.

I loved the Knights of the Old Republic video game. The comic series takes place a couple years before the events in that game and, for the most part, does not include the main game characters. There's cameos, guest appearances, and allusions to those characters and events in the game, but the bulk of the story focuses exclusively on Zayne and his compatriots. This gives the sense that the comic, and also the game, take place in a bigger world where a lot more things are going on than just what is on the page or screen. It adds a depth and history to the Star Wars universe that I greatly appreciate and enjoy.

And now its all ending. At least, in this format. While I'm saddened, I'm also hopeful that Miller will knock the final few issues out of the park. Make me laugh, make me cheer, even make me cry. I take comfort in knowing that the series isn't ending from an abrupt, unplanned, cancellation. Hopefully Miller, who's written every issue of the series, will end it exactly the way he wants to.

Issue #46 comes out this Wednesday and continues until #50 lands sometime in February.

GI Joe Cobra Special

I don't follow the G.I. Joe comics at all. I sort of have one I grabbed at Free Comic Book Day this spring. But I picked up September's Cobra Special #1 based solely on Chris Sims' glowing review of it (You can check his site out here).

I admit I don't understand the story. I don't have the slightest clue who the Paoli brothers are and what bigger role they play in the GI Joe universe. But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy this issue for the masterpiece it is.

It's a story about duality. One brother sees their situation as freedom, while the other sees it as slavery. The artwork tells this as much as the words do. You see, the first half and the second half of this book mirror each other. The style, layout, and sometimes the image itself are exact mirror images of what occurs on the corresponding page in the other half. Even the page numbers mirror each other. They count up to the halfway point in the book and start counting down again.

It's a piece of beauty, is what it is. It's also a perfect example of what can be done with this medium. I don't fully understand the story, but I will reread it over and over just to appreciate the way its told. I definitely have to salute writer Mike Costa and artist Antonio Fuso on this one. Good job, guys.

They Boy Bought the Basketball

Don't you hate blogs that never update except for the occasional post to apologize for not updating?

Yup, this is one of them.

So yeah, my energy has been diverted elsewhere, what with this whole going back to school thing. But yay for temporary ambition! Right? Right guys? Anyone? Hello? Uncle Leo....?



An extra 10 Points! to anyone that can name what the title is referencing!

2 Chronicles 31-36

After the awesome Passover celebration, Hezekiah gets to work tearing down all the idols and altars of other gods. Good work, Hezekiah. But then the Assyrian army approaches! Hezekiah tells his people to stay calm, though, for the Lord is greater than any Assyrian army and will protect them. Assyrian messengers come to the gates of Jerusalem to mock the people for believing Hezekiah. For the Assyrians had conquered many nations and none of their gods protected them. Why would Judah's God be any different? However, sadly, the Chronicler's account of this omits the Curse of the Rabshakeh.*

So Hezekiah and the prophet Isaiah pray to God and an angel is sent to wipe out the Assyrian army. The good king Hezekiah then oversees some building projects and eventually dies. His son Manasseh becomes king and is severely evil.

How evil is he? Well, he's so evil that he leads Judah astray and the people do more evil than the indigenous inhabitants of the land that the Lord wiped out when Israel first conquered Canaan. So the Lord allows Manasseh to be taken captive by the Assyrians and taken into exile. However, Manasseh repents** and God rescues him from his plight and returns him to Judah to be king. He does good things in the eyes of the Lord before dying.***

Manasseh dies and his son Amon becomes king. Amon was evil and was killed by conspirators. The people then killed the conspirators and made Josiah king. Josiah did good, tore down foreign idols, and restored the Temple. During the restoration, a lost book of the Law is found, prompting Josiah to follow the edicts of this lost book and hold a swanky Passover festival. Now, this is far more swanky than Hezekiah's Passover. Only Passovers held before the Monarchy begin can compare.

Then Josiah goes to fight against King Neco of Egypt. But Neco says he's on a mission from God (he must have Jake and Elwood in his posse) and that Josiah should leave him alone.**** But Josiah doesn't listen and tries to fight Neco anyway. Josiah is struck by arrows and dies.

The Chronicler wraps up the last of Judah's kings rather quickly. Joehoaz becomes king but is then deposed by the king of Egypt. His brother Eliakim is made king and renamed Jehoiakim. King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon takes Jehoiakim into exile and Jehoiachin becomes king. He too is taken into exile and Zedekiah becomes king. Zedekiah leads the people into rebellion against Nebuchadnezzar which incites the wrath of the Babylonians. Jerusalem is razed, the Temple is burned and destroyed, and all the surviving people are taken into exile.

2 Chronicles ends with Cyrus the Great of Persia conquering Babylon and decreeing that the Hebrews may return to their homeland. It ends on a much more pleasant and cheery note than 2 Kings. Unlike the Christian Old Testament, some versions of the Hebrew Bible actually end with 2 Chroniclers, thereby concluding with this optimistic note.


*"But the Rabshakeh said to them, 'Has my master sent me to speak these words to your master and to you, and not to the people sitting on the wall, who are doomed with you to eat their own dung and drink their own urine?'" - 2 Kings 18:27

**This becomes the basis of the Apocryphal book "The Prayer of Manasseh." Does this mean I'm going to have to read and review the Apocrypha now?

***This story of Manasseh's exile, repentance, and becoming a good king has no parallel in 2 Kings. Indeed, Kings points out many times that it's because of Manasseh's grievous sins that God allows the eventual Babylonian exile. So why is this story in Chronicles? Well, whatever the origin, let's examine the message. Even the most evil of evil Judean kings in exile can repent and God will return him to his home and make things all right. To the post-exilic community that the Chronicler was probably writing for, this would be quite the comforting message. CIE!

****The account in 2 Kings doesn't explain Neco's actions as being ordained by God. But here the Chronicler does, thereby justifying the death of such a good king. Why would God allow the good king Josiah to be killed? Because he was disobeying the will of God and did not listen to such prophetic words.

Twilight: Book 5

Blade versus the Cullens. Now THAT I would like to see.

2 Chronicles 26-30

And we're back with more Chronicles goodness!

With Amaziah dead, his son Uzziah becomes king. He was a rather good and prosperous king, overseeing many building projects. But then Uzziah gets too big for his britches. He enters into the temple and attempts to make an offering by himself. Only the priests are allowed to do such things. They stop the the king and some sort of skin rash instantly appears on Uzziah's head. Uzziah leaves and spends the rest of his days separated from people, due to his "unclean" condition. His son Jotham takes the throne. He continues the building projects of his father and is eventually followed by his son Ahaz.

We all remember Ahaz, right? Evil king Ahaz? No? Well, if that's the case, you're in luck. Cause now we go over his reign again! This is a double delight for all you Ahaz enthusiasts out there. Ahaz starts off by worshiping other deities and following the rituals of these foreign gods. In response, God allows the Arameans to be victorious when they attack Judah. The Arameans take a bunch of people back to Damascus with them. The same thing happens when Israel and Edom later attack Judah. This pattern seems to foreshadow the eventual exile of all of Judah to Babylon.

Ahaz offers tribute to the king of Assyria so that he might come to Judah's aid. Instead, Assyria comes to fight and oppress Judah. Following these defeats, Ahaz abandons the Lord completely. He starts worshiping the gods of Aram thinking those gods gave Aram victory of Judah, so perhaps they'd help out Ahaz as well. They don't. Ahaz dies.

Boom. Enter Hezekiah. Remember Hezekiah, one of the greatest kings of Judah? Remember the song about him? Well, Hezekiah does good in the sight of the Lord, and immediately repents of the sins of his father Ahaz. He reverses all the evil policies of Ahaz and fixes up the temple. Then, with great haste, Hezekiah arranges for the people to celebrate the Passover festival, for the people had been rather lax in observing it*

But, since they begin the festival so soon, many don't have time to fulfill the prescribed preparations. They aren't sanctimoniously clean and shouldn't be allowed to participate. Hezekiah realizes this, but doesn't turn such people away. Instead, he prays that "the good Lord pardon all who set their hearts to seek God, the Lord the God of their ancestors, even though not in accordance with the sanctuary's rules of cleanness."** God heard Hezekiah's prayer and is totally cool with the unclean people coming to worship Him (30:18-20). So the people held a big old festival.


*Wait a minute. You're probably thinking, "But Smitch, didn't it say in 2 Kings that Josiah held the first Passover since the time of the judges?" And my heart warms a little as I hear you say such a thing. Ah, the thinking person, actually reading the text critically and stopping to say, "hey, this doesn't jive!"

You are absolutely correct. So how do we address this issue? What possible hypothesis do you hold? Maybe the Chronicler has a man crush on Hezekiah and wants to make him cooler? Or, maybe the author of Kings was the one with the man crush on Josiah and made him hold the Passover? Maybe it's just an innocent error?

Maybe you should just skip ahead to the Chronicler's coverage of Josiah and see what it says about it there!

Gasp! Could it be? Someone implying that we read this in light of the context of the larger book? Oh, you know how to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, don't you? All right then, let's do just that.

Over in 2 Chronicles 35 it talks about Josiah's Passover. While Hezekiah was able to get the people of Judah to observe it, Josiah got all of Judah and Israel to participate. Josiah's Passover was incredible grand in scale and accurate (the lost book of the Law he finds in he Temple may have included more details about the festival which had been forgotten), the likes of which not seen since before the monarchy. So with this info we see that both versions are correct without any real contradiction. Hezekiah held a Passover, yes, but Josiah held a mega-Passover that hadn't been seen centuries. CIE, folks. Context is everything.

**Do you think the teaching of Jesus echoes this verse at all? I think Hezekiah's little prayer pretty much sums up the teaching of Jesus. So you haven't fulfilled every requirement of your religion. So what? It's the attitude of your heart that matters. In the Gospels, it's the Pharisees and religious leaders who fulfill all the requirements of the law. But Jesus isn't impressed at all. For it's the tax collectors, prostitutes, and dregs of society that possess the heart that's willing to seek after God. And this is more important than any sacrament or ritual that may be imposed upon you.

Words to Ponder from Tommy J.

"Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."

-- Thomas Jefferson

Breaking Dawn 679-End

Here we are, folks. The climatic conclusion. And you'll never believe what happens!

Nothing!

That's right. As predicted, no battle, fighting, or violence of any kind occurs. Just two groups of people standing at opposite sides of a field talking. If Kevin Smith doesn't direct this, they could always get Tarantino. He's does talking as well. Remember Death Proof? Ok, now remember the 85% of Death Proof that had nothing to do with cool car antics and was purely irrelevant, uninteresting dialogue? See? Tarantino could easily do Breaking Dawn. Plus, he's got experience working on vampire movies before. From Dusk Til Dawn, anyone?

So the Vampire City crew arrive, and they've brought their own batch of vampire witnesses to observe the ordeal. The situation is tense as they discover what baby Blade is and what they should do with her. Wait, there is some violence. My bad. When it's discovered that Blade is not a human baby-turned-vampire, the vampire who tattled to Vampire City is burned. But this takes place within a paragraph and is solely meant to provoke a physical altercation. Most of the Cullen clan don't care enough to fall for the bait. Those that do are easily restrained.

The visit from the Vampire City gang isn't so much about destroying Blade as it is seeking an excuse to dismantle the Cullens and annex those with particular powers into their own little club. Some of the Vampire Citizens actually try some psychic attacks, but at that moment Bella conveniently learns total control of her shielding ability and protects everyone on her side.

Still, it looks like violence is about to break out until Alice triumphantly returns with a special guest: another half human/half vampire dude from South America. This is what Alice has been doing the whole time, trying to find another person like Blade so everyone can see what Blade will eventually become. Turns out she'll reach adulthood in about 6.5 years and then she'll quit aging forever and be immortal.

Foiled, the folks from Vampire City give up and depart. For now. The victorious Cullens and crew give out a shout of celebration and start to party right there in the woods. They hold a big barbecue and a company of Ewoks come out from the trees and start playing music by rhythmically drumming on Stormtrooper helmets. R2-D2 can be seen dancing with an Ewok while Blade sits on the grass and plays patty-cake with a tiny little baby Ewok that cowers in adorable terror whenever werewolf Jacob nears. Thematic music crescendos and the scene wipes to the closing credits.

All right, so maybe that's not exactly how it happened. But it's close.

In actuality, Bella, Edward, and Blade return to their cottage and live happily ever after. Forever and ever.

Heh. I think entropy will say otherwise. It's science, people!

There you have it. Some men climb Everest. Some men swim the English Channel. Some men soar into outer space. I read all four Twilight books. You'll readily agree that this make me the most courageous, most daring, most fearless man you have ever met. And though you are in awe, you also admit great fear and respect towards me. For if I can do this, what can't I do? The possibilities are limitless, my friend. Your awe and fear are quite understandable. I am the most courageous man.

And, through rather unorthodox means, some might say the most romantic.

Breaking Dawn 572-679

A bunch of vampires descend upon the Cullen home to see what the big deal is. Upon seeing and understanding what Blade is, nearly all of them agree to join the Cullens in their defiance of the Vampire City folk. I have no idea who most of these people are. Seriously. There are so many random characters and names all of a sudden that there's even an appendix in the back that sorts them out.

Plus, many of these new vampires also have special, supernatural powers. So there's a bunch of talking about who has what power and how to use that power. Apparently Bella has a power that can shield herself from the powers of other vampires. And then they all start training to fight with these powers. Somewhere along the line, the Cullen house became Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. But these vampires would never win a battle against Magneto.

Before she left, Alice had left a secret, cryptic note for Bella. So Bella escapes the house and runs away to check out the address in Seattle that was in the note. There she finds a shady lawyer who's in the business of forging documents. Bella understands what Alice had intended with the note. They're not going to win this battle. So Bella orders up fake birth certificates and passports for Jacob and Blade. Hopefully they'll be able to escape the fight and disappear.

Now that would be cool. The entire Cullen clan slaughtered with only Jacob and Blade surviving. They travel from town to town, trying to keep a low profile as the Vampire City folk relentlessly hunt them down. All the while, they're still scheming for that opportunity when they can avenge the murder of their family. Now that would be a compelling story. Oh, and they could have odd, periodic meetings with Jeff Goldblum.

The likelihood of that happening? Probably about as likely as Kevin Smith actually directing a Twilight movie. So, not at all.

Eventually, they all assemble, vampires and werewolves, at the clearing where it was foreseen the potential altercation will take place. They wait and wait. Finally, bam, some mist rolls in and the Vampire City crew is about to appear. And then the chapter ends on that lovely cliffhanger.

Shall we return next time with what I'm sure will be a thrilling conclusion with lots of talking? See you next time. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.

Breaking Dawn 471-572

They celebrate Bella's 19th birthday. Kind of. She objects that she became a vampire three days prior and died/became undead/stopped aging/whatever. In any case, she's frozen in time as a legal adult, while Edward is still stuck at the age of 17. A minor. Thanks to the arbitrary age statutes in this land, that would technically make Bella a pedophile. Next time Bella moves into your neighborhood she may not tell you she's a vampire, but she will be required by law to inform you that she's a registered sex offender.

And with that, I've probably ruined this book for everyone. You're welcome.

For her birthday, she and Edward get a little cottage a ways off from the main house. They take advantage of this new, um, privacy. Yeah, there's still more of that. I think asking what the crap happened to this series has become futile. I'll accept it and move on. Well, I'll move on at least.

Jacob tells Bella's dad, Charlie, everything. Well, at least about the werewolf part. He then brings Charlie to the Cullen house to meet Blade and the obviously physically altered Bella. Unbelievably, Charlie is rather okay with all this and doesn't ask for in depth details. He only wants to know what he needs to know, and assumes the rest. What world is this were no one reacts when they discover the existence of vampires and werewolves? Charlie probably throws a bigger fit over being expected to believe that Indiana Jones could survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge.

Blade is still growing fast, but the rate is slowing. But it's not slowing enough. If the same pattern continues, she'll be an adult within 4 years and dead in 15. The vampire crew plan a series of travels and expeditions across the world to see if they can learn about any previous instances or legends surrounding a child such as Blade. Bella also plans to go to Vampire City and say "Hey, I'm a vampire now, you don't have to kill me."

Then another vampire with a back story nobody cares about sees Blade, thinks the Cullens have turned a baby into a forbidden baby vampire, and squeals on them to the Italian king vampire clan in Vampire City. One of the vampire girls, Alice, sees this (cause she can see the future) and mysteriously runs away. The Vampire City crew is coming to eliminate the Cullens for creating a baby vampire.

But Blade is not a typical baby vampire, and Bella hopes they can convince the foreign vampires of that before they kill everyone. Most of the Cullens disperse across the land to recruit other vampires to come meet Blade and to join them in standing against the Vampire Citizens.

So, it looks like this could be gearing up for a super big vampire fight! Yeah, we all know that probably won't happen. Kevin Smith doesn't direct action, remember? Though it would be cool if they overtake the antagonists and rule over Vampire City themselves. Bella assumes the role of queen over all the vampires and becomes irredeemably corrupt with all her new found power. It's up to none other than Jacob and Blade to vanquish her in a bloody endgame. Yeah, I'm gonna root for that outcome.

Breaking Dawn 367-470

With this section we're back into the mind of Bella, so she's obviously not deceased. And it opens with a quote from Orson Scott Card, author of the incredible Ender's Game. That's a plus. Edward and Jacob have nothing on Ender. Yeah, I just said that. Deal with it.

So the vampire serum made it to Bella in time and she's in some sort of turning-into-a-vampire partial coma. Her veins burn. It's uber painful. Then she comes to and everyone is relieved but worried. "Newborn" vampires are strong, uncontrollable, and driven by their lust for human blood. But Bella is doing better than most, if not all, newborns. She has much better control. What a twist!

Bella wants to see Blade, but the vampires all say no. Instead, Edward takes her out hunting to satisfy some of her blood lust with some fresh animal blood. He also makes plenty of cryptic, disparaging comments about Jacob. He won't explain to Bella why, but we already know what's going on, right? Yeah, we do. I had it right last time. Go me. Woo.

They return and find Rosalie and Jacob taking care of baby Blade. Jacob confirms my prediction that he imprinted on her and then Bella goes berserk. She yells at him and then tries to attack him. One of Jacob's buddy werewolves blocks the attack and gets injured. Good thing werewolves have healing factors like Wolverine. Only not quite as fast. Verdict: Wolverine is much cooler than werewolves.

And that's pretty much it. I know. Exciting. Oh, there is more. Blade is still rapidly growing. Just 2 or 3 days since birth and she's already a couple weeks/months in size. She also has this trippy power where she touches your face and then sends her memories into your brain. It's her way of communication.

Oh, and the truce between the werewolves and vampires is back on. So they've got that going for them, which is nice.

So what happens now? I really don't know. Everyone lives happily ever after? I doubt it. I'm still rooting for Jacob and Blade to team up and go on a vampire killing spree. Bonny and Clyde style, man.

One more thing. Bella has been itching to be a vampire ever since the first book, but the opportunity has always eluded her. I was rather hoping this trend would persist with Bella never succeeding in her quest for vampiric immortality. Maybe there'd be some realization or epiphany about how the true meaning of life is in its inevitable cessation. Or she'd find a form of immortality through her descendants, much like the ancient Hebrews did. Before the adoption of many aspects of Greek philosophy, through the process of Hellenization spearheaded by the conquests of Alexander the Great, the concept of the afterlife for them was much more primitive. People went to a land of the dead and merged into a singular, though lifeless, consciousness of sorts. Instead of immortal souls, for them immortality was achieved through their descendants, both by them carrying the deceased's bloodline and their very remembrance of the deceased.

But, alas, it appears such an edifying realization is not to be had by Bella. But, there's still plenty of pages left in the book for moments of great importance to occur. So keep your head up. There's sill hope that raptors or Jeff Goldblum will make an appearance. And it's hope like that that gets me through the day.

Breaking Dawn 206-360

I was right. Well, I was mostly right. No big battle happened. But I was wrong about the big, intense build up leading to the non-existing battle. The build up didn't even happen. So, essentially, nothing happened. But talking. Why isn't Kevin Smith directing these movies?

So instead of a battle, what happens? Jacob defects from the rest of the pack and starts his own pack. Yeah, apparently he can do that. Convenient. Eventually two others join him and they warn the vampires of the attack and begin patrolling a perimeter around the Cullen house. So now it's werewolves versus werewolves and vampires. Not that they actually fight.

Bella keeps getting worse and is on the verge of death when Jacob hypothesizes that, if the baby is part vampire, maybe it wants some blood to drink. Well, duh. But, for some odd reason, this is a complete revelation to the vampire clan. How did they not think of that before? The thing inside Bella is a freaky vampire abomination. What is the most basic part of vampire mythology? They drink blood!

So Bella starts drinking blood (the vampires apparently have a stash of O-Neg on supply because Bella is so accident prone. Right.) out of a sippy cup and her condition improves. There's a bunch of angst and drama as everyone talks and mutters about who wants to save the baby and who would rather save Bella.

Since this portion is still from Jacob's POV, we see how much Bella really tortures him. Even though she's married and pregnant, she still lights up and swoons whenever Jacob enters the room, like he's the love of her life. This, of course, makes it near impossible for Jacob to get over his crush on Bella, which he knows he has to do. From seeing things from outside of Bella's mind, you really see how aggravating her stubbornness and overall behavior is. Why someone didn't slap her across the face during the course of these chapters is beyond me.

Ahem. Moving on...

Jacob gets fed up, borrows a car, and goes to Seattle to try to pick up a girl. But he fails and after a couple hours goes back to the vampire house. Yeah, that was a rather pointless couple of pages.

Baby Blade wants to come out. Bella undergoes some emergency surgery but dies due to extreme loss of blood and Blade biting her. But before she goes under, she sees that the baby is a girl and names her "Renesmee." Yeah, I refuse to type that again, so we're just gonna keep on calling her Blade. Jacob tries some CPR on Bella to no avail and sulks away as Edward tries to revive her by injecting her with vampire venom. He has a syringe full of vampire venom on hand just for such purposes. Sure.

Elsewhere in the house, Rosalie, one of the female vampires that wanted to save the baby, is now caring for and playing with Blade. Jacob decides he's going to attack her and kill this monstrous baby creature that killed Bella. But then he see's Blade's face and falls in love. Maybe. What?

Ok, let's back up to what has so far been unnecessary information. Something happens to some werewolves called "imprinting" which is similar to love at first sight. Only it's complete, absolute, devotional love at first sight for both parties. It's happened to others of his werewolf clan. One even fell for a toddler. That dude hangs out with the toddler, but is obviously waiting many years for it to get less creepy to act on it. Or something. I guess it's supposed to be a setup so we can find Jacob imprinting on a newborn baby half-vampire to be perfectly acceptable.

At least, that's what I think happened. The chapter (and Jacob POV portion of the book) ends suddenly at this point without anything specifically said about the imprinting part. That's just what I read into it. Oh, and Bella may have been revived and/or may be turning into a vampire.

I Wield A Wild Pen

I live out in the middle of nowhere, far from any settlements of civilization. Because of this, I occasionally attend church in Springfield, Illinois via the technological marvel which is the internet. I'm able to watch a live stream of Pastor Eric Hansen's sermon without leaving my country cottage. I watch Hansen's sermons because he used to pastor my church back home, so I'm fairly familiar with him, though that was many years ago.

A while back, he gave a sermon with the tag line "wield a wild brush." He used the metaphor that we are each born unique individuals and should live our lives as though we were painting a unique and beautiful masterpiece. However, as we grow up, many of us conform to the ideals and expectations of society and culture. Our intended masterpiece becomes a cheap, simple paint by numbers facsimile that can be purchased at any bargain store. Our lives, our "masterpieces," end up mundane and indistinguishable from those of everyone else around us.

Hansen challenges us to defy this trend and utilize the gifts and talents God gave us to live a unique and radical life. He dares us to wield a wild brush, painting outside the lines with an infinite array of colors to create a truly unrepeatable work of art. Don't wait until it's too late. For once you're dead, that's it. No one will paint your masterpiece for you after you die. Only you can do it. Don't deprive this world of your masterpiece.

He admits that the church tends to stifle such creativity. There's a system and an established way to do things within the church. It's hard to get outside of that. But we must try. There are so many creative ways to preach the gospel besides a minister speaking from behind a pulpit every Sunday. We should seek venues outside of that familiar comfort zone in which we can use our gifts. Then we can wield a wild brush.

This message spoke to me quite a bit and I took it to heart. But, I changed it up a little and made it more specific to my certain abilities. Instead of a brush, I wield a wild pen.

Every year the Assemblies of God hold a Fine Arts Festival for its youth. Entries in all sorts of categories compete at the district level and then may go on to the national level. In 2004 I wrote a short story that's usually summarized as being about dead missionaries and fire breathing dinosaurs in the jungle. It clearly presented a message, but did so in an obviously unorthodox way. My mom seemed quite shocked when she read it, inquiring as to how in the world I came up with such a story. I shrugged. It all came rather naturally to me.

Before submitting it, my mom handed it off to Kathy, the woman who was more or less spearheading Fine Arts in our church, to read. It wasn't until a few months ago that she enlightened me about her initial impression of that story. She didn't get it. She didn't understand it or see how it could go anywhere in Fine Arts. It was just so weird, bizarre, and unusual that she wasn't sure what to make of it. It wasn't until months later, when I read my story in front of the congregation one Sunday, that my tone and inflection made the piece come alive and gave her a better understanding of it.

At the time it was too different and beyond typical church convention for her. She wasn't prepared for it. She wasn't ready for it. For it had been written with a wild pen.

You see, in 2004, I won first place at the national Fine Arts Festival in the category of Short Story. My Christian message encapsulated in a tale of dinosaurs and death apparently captured the attention of the judges. If I won for nothing else, it was for being unique.

Shortly after, Kathy conscripted me to try my hand at writing several short skits for the youth to perform. I churned out a number of scripts, but they were all rejected and were never performed. As she told me recently about my story, she also admitted that she just wasn't prepared for those types of skits. Neither, presumably, was the church in general.

But times have changed and somehow she became attune with the unusual lines my pen scribbles across the page. This past Christmas she asked me to write the annual Christmas play that she would direct. This was quite an honor and I worked hard to produce a script of quality. The final product was certainly unique in terms of story, content, and performance. Several elements were included in the play that I never would have dreamed would be seen on the stage. I may have put words to the page, but Kathy dared direct a wild play.

People came. People who probably wouldn't normal show up to a small church Christmas pageant came. Many were surprised and taken off guard. It also grabbed their attention, for this play did not fit into the normal, paint by numbers mold.

The experience and success of the play turned a casual notion into a solid resolve. I can't let myself fall into a paint by numbers life. God gave me a wild pen and I must wield it. So, I'll begin attending seminary this fall so I may learn more about this deity I worship and more effectively utilize this talent. In the meantime, I've recently written some more skits for the youth back home. Two of them will be competing at nationals later this summer.

Anybody who reads this blog knows that my ideas may be as radical as my words. But a wild pen means nothing if it lacks wild ideas behind it.

I wield a wild pen.
Beware, be cautious,
For it is dangerous.

- Mitch Alfson

2 Chronicles 21-25

King Jehoshaphat dies and his son Jehoram becomes king. Jehoram aims to stay king, so he kills all his brothers, ensuring that only he can claim the throne. He's also married to a daughter of the evil Israelite king Ahab and followers her ways, which are evil.

He receives a letter from the prophet Elijah*, rebuking him for not following God. The letter lists a series of calamities to befall Jehoram, including a disease of the bowels which will plague him until, um, his "bowels come out, day after day, because of the disease" (21:15). Uh...did Elijah just curse a king with extreme diarrhea? Well, let's just see what happens in verse 19. "In course of time, at the end of two years, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great agony." Um...wow. Nice one, Elijah. I think I would rather have Elisha's BEARS!

So Ahaziah is now king. He's also evil and teams up with the king of Israel to fight some Arameans. Here, the Chronicler briefly covers the story of Jehu killing both the king of Israel and Ahaziah, the king of Judah. Then Ahaziah's mother kills the rest of the royal family so she can rule. But little Joash hides in a room for half a dozen years. Duh duh dun!

Now we get the story of the super good priest Jehoiada, who conspires to anoint the boy king and kill Ahaziah's mother. All this comes to pass and the 7 year old becomes king. The Chronicler has a high opinion of Jehoiada, for he says that Joash was a good king until the priest died. Then things started to fall apart.

Joash strayed from God and things went bad. Then Zechariah, the son of Jehoiada, prophesied against Joash because of the evil he was doing. Joash killed him. Ahem. Joash killed the son of the dude that made him king! Joash would still be locked up in that room if it was for Zechariah's father! Dude! But Joash's servants notice the cruelty, conspire, and kill the king.

His son, the amazing Amaziah, takes the throne. And then he killed the dudes who killed his father. Then he has a major victory over Edom and starts worshiping the foreign gods he brings back with him. Full of hubris, he challenges the king of Israel to battle. That king says he'll crush Amaziah, so he should just go away. Amaziah doesn't listen, goes to war anyway, and totally gets his butt kicked. After this embarrassing defeat, some of the locals are like "screw this." They try to kill the king, but he flees. They catch up with him, though, and Amaziah is no more.



*Since Elijah and Elisha are active mainly in the northern kingdom of Israel, and the Chronicler says poo poo to Israel, mentions of them are scarce in this book. Unfortunately, that probably means the Chronicler won't cover Elisha's awesome power to have BEARS kill children.

Breaking Dawn 143-205

And now we jump into the mind of Jacob. The next couple of chapters are told from his point of view for some reason. Whatever.

You'd think this would be cool. You'd think that we'd go along with Jacob and his exploits in northern Canada, solving crimes as a werewolf. Instead, what is Jacob doing? He's sitting at home, watching TV! How exciting.

After awhile, word comes that Bella is back in town, but has contracted some rare South American disease. The official word is that she's quarantined at the Cullen's (Edward's family) house. Jacob says bully to this and assumes it's just a cover. He suspects Bella is actually undergoing the long and painful process of turning into a vampire.

Fed up with everything, Jacob decides to go kill Edward and his family for what they've done to Bella. The rest of his werewolf pack, which numbers about 10 or so, tell him no. Now, a kind of interesting aspects of werewolves is that, while they're in their wolf state, they can read each others' minds. They become a kind of mental collective, or a singular consciousness. They're kind of like the Borg. So, to evade the other werewolves' mind reading capabilities, Jacob sticks to human form and runs away to the Cullen house out in the woods somewhere.

There he finds that Bella is not a vampire, just pregnant with one. And it's killing her. She's wasting away and the super strong vampire fetus is wreaking havoc on her body (This reminds me of many discussions on Superman Returns. How on earth could Lois' womb survive carrying a Kryptonian baby to term?). Though Edward and some others want to get the baby out of her, Bella refuses, and she has some of the women vampires supporting her decision, though it will likely result in her death.

I got it. Baby Blade is going to team up with Jacob. They'll go on adventures across the land killing vampires and doing good deeds in general, like fixing flat tires for old ladies during a rainstorm. It will be cool, because it will be Blade and his werewolf companion. They could even have a little Odd Couple vibe going on. Blade is so neat and particular, but Jacob is such a slob. It practically writes itself, folks!

Instead of Jacob and Edward getting into a big tussle, they talk. How typical. Edward is an emotional wreck and begs Jacob to talk some sense into Bella. He says that if Bella is this determined to have a baby, she can have as many as she wants with Jacob. Again, what the crap is up with this book? Is this whole thing just a big "screw you" to the readers of the first three books?

So Jacob tries to talk some sense into Bella, but she's being stubborn and stupid, per usual. Why do all these people constantly put up with her? Why is she the center of so much attention when she's just a constant pain for everyone around her? Sigh. Whatever. Jacob kind of brings up Edward's suggestion, but drops it half way realizing it won't work. He gives up, goes home, and reports his findings to the werewolf pack.

The revelation shocks the pack. They've tolerated the Cullens thus far (and even have an official treaty with them), but the unknown consequences of this baby vampire abomination is too much for them to accept. They have to do something. So they decide to initiate a full scale attack against the Cullens. Tonight. Kill them all, especially the baby. Even if that means killing Bella in the process.

So what do I think will happen? There will be a great deal of setup leading to the ultimate showdown between these two supernatural clans. They'll square off, twitching for someone to strike first. But then they'll talk all night long and absolutely nothing will happen! I know how it works. This is like if Kevin Smith directed a vampire/werewolf film. Everyone would just stand around talking.

Breaking Dawn 99-138

If you're wondering about my selection of pages to comment on, this section covers chapters 6 and 7. But you aren't really wondering that, were you? You're still wondering how the honeymoon is going.

It's...uh...it's going. Edward is staying true to his word. He takes Bella out on all sorts of explorations of the island throughout the day and then cooks her a big meal at night so she'll fall right to sleep. This works for awhile, despite Bella's "reasoning, pleading, and grouching." She then tries to make a deal that she'll go to college and postpone becoming a vampire for awhile if Edward will just sleep with her again. This book is all about promoting self-respect for young girls, isn't it?

So, apparently back in days gone by, some vampires turned babies and toddlers into vampires. They were adorable, but monstrously uncontrollable and had to be systematically destroyed. After hearing this story, Bella started having dreams about such baby vampires. But now they've morphed into dreams about her trying to protect a human baby from vampires. Notice how dreams are never in a book unless it's some sort of foreshadowing? Yeah, wonder what's going to happen down the line.

One night, Bella wakes up from a dream and starts sobbing uncontrollably. As Edward comforts her, she seduces/guilt trips him into getting it on. He breaks the bed. Instead of moving to another bedroom to further their shenanigans on the nights that follow, Edward insists they continue to use the broken bed because it's already broken and he doesn't want to break another bed and what the crap happened to this book series? When did this turn into how to get it on with a vampire?

Whatever. Then Bella eats some bad chicken and blows chunks. Then she realizes she's late. Then she reflects on recent symptoms and considers that she might be pregnant. Then the vampire baby pokes her from inside her. I kid you not!

Female vampires can't conceive. But apparently male vampires are still potent. And vampire fetuses must mature rapidly. Edward cancels their honeymoon and makes arrangements to head back home as fast as possible to see his father, who just happens to be a doctor. Bella's getting all sweet on the idea of being a mommy, but Edward snaps that they must get that "thing" out of her. Guess Edward's pro-choice. But he's a vampire, so that kinda makes sense. Right?

Two folks from mainland Brazil who bring supplies and take care of the island arrive to do their duty. The woman, however, suspects what Edward is and realizes what's going on. She has a big argument with Edward. But all they're dialogue is in Portuguese and some other language Bella doesn't understand, so the reader doesn't understand.

I have my own theory on what went down. The woman, in her hysteria, informs Edward that the raptor fences are down. Eddie's in shock and replies, "Even Nedry knows better than to mess with the raptor fences!" The woman gets even more upset, saying the raptors could already be loose! Chomping down on a cigarette, Edward gruffly says "hold on to your butts" as he tries to restart the computer systems on the island. The power goes out. They wait in darkness a few seconds before the lights start to flicker back on. A smile of relief forms on Edward's face.

A raptor smashes through the kitchen window and crashes into the vampire, knocking him to the ground. They wrestle on the floor as the woman screams in horror and runs out of the house. Another raptor leaps through the window, landing on the kitchen counter. It eyes Bella before letting out a sharp roar.

Bella flees into the next room, slamming the door shut behind her. But these raptors are smart! They know how to open doors! So Bella runs through another doorway, but a third raptor breaks through the window in that room. Oh no! She barely makes it into the bathroom and braces herself against the door in a vain attempt to keep the raptors from breaking the door down.

But she hears something in the bathroom. Something is in there with her. Raspy breathing comes from behind the shower curtain. Bella cautiously stretches out a hand and slides the curtain aside with a sharp jerk. Inexplicably, Jeff Goldblum is standing in the shower, muttering "Faster, must go faster," over and over. This quickly gets annoying, and Bella tells him to shut up and do something helpful. Jeff Goldblum does neither.

While Bella is distracted by Jeff Goldblum, a raptor manages to bust through the bathroom door. This looks like the end! But then, crashing in through the ceiling, comes a werewolf! It lands on top of the raptor and quickly tears it apart. The werewolf transforms into none other than Jacob! Bella asks what he's doing here, and Jacob replies that he's been stalking her and watching her the entire time. "That's not true," Bella retorts, "that's impossible! Edward would have read your mind!"

Jacob points to the aluminum foil wrapped around his head. "Ain't no vampires or aliens reading my mind, now." Jacob goes back into werewolf mode and smashes a hole in the bathroom wall so Bella can escape outside while he fights the rest of the raptors entering the bathroom.

"Brundlefly," Jeff Goldblum says.

Bella runs outside and see's the Brazilian woman running toward the dock to escape on her boat. But then there's a loud roar behind her and a huge T-Rex enters Bella's view. The dinosaur is chasing the woman and, just as she's running along the dock, it bites her arm and snatches her up in the air. Bella screams in horror at the sight.

But out from the water soars Aquaman! In one fluid motion, he leaps high into the sky and punches the T-Rex on its snout, causing it to release the woman, who falls into her boat. As Aquaman dives back down into the water, though, the T-Rex snatches him in its jaws and flings him back towards the house.

Aquaman crashes through the wall but is quickly sent flying back out and smacks into a tree. Edward emerges from the newly made hole and shouts, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: stay off of my island, Aquaman!"

The T-Rex sees Edward and starts to charge, it's mouth wide and hungry. In the meantime, the Brazilian woman starts her boat and roars off to sea, barely escaping Dinosaur Vampire Island. Edward braces himself for the T-Rex attack, but then werewolf Jacob busts out of the house and starts chucking dead raptors at the T-Rex. Edward turns around and sees Jacob. He's about to yell angrily at the werewolf, but is slammed into the ground as the T-Rex steps on him.

Werewolf Jacob howls as the T-Rex charges, but then Aquaman shouts something in an unknown language (possibly also Portuguese) and a hundred dolphins leap out of the sea and slam into the T-Rex. The force of this sudden impact knocks the dinosaur over and it crashes into the house, completely leveling over half of it.

Edward pries himself from the T-Rex footprint he's a part of, grabs a dolphin that's now flapping on the ground, and begins slapping the fallen T-Rex with it. Jeff Goldblum emerges from the destroyed house, climbs atop the head of the T-Rex, and fires a shotgun straight into the dinosaur's eye. With the T-Rex dead, Jeff Goldblum rambles incoherently about the iMac before he runs off and jumps on Aquaman's back. The two dive into the sea, never to be seen again.

Bella stands silently in the aftermath, taking in the scene of dead dinosaurs and dolphins scattered across the land. Edward points a stern finger at Jacob and demands to know how he got here. The werewolf transforms back into Jacob and with a sly grin calmly says "Boba Fett."

Suddenly, Boba Fett soars through the sky via his jet pack, being incredibly awesome in everybody's sight! The famed bounty hunter swoops down, grabs Jacob's arm, and hoists him up into the sky. The two of them zoom around the island, firing blasters at any remaining raptors roaming about.

Bella is so psyched that finally something cool happened in her life.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's what happened at all. Instead, the woman leaves, Edward goes to pack some food, and Bella calls Edward's sister Rosalie to help her with the baby situation. Man, not a single raptor in that version.

Prediction: Edward wants to eliminate the baby because he knows that, being a half human/half vampire hybrid, it will be none other than Blade! The Daywalker will hunt down and kill all vampires, making the world safe once again. Well, so the "Daywalker" title doesn't work so well here, since these vampires aren't harmed by sunlight, they just sparkle in it. So, maybe Blade will just be able to walk in daylight and not sparkle? That alone would make him the most awesome of these vampires! Edward must kill Blade before Blade kills him, even if Blade is his own son!

This is how it's going play out in the delivery room: A little Wesley Snipes, decked out in sunglasses, tattoos, and leather, will leap out of Bella, swinging a sweet sword. He goes straight for Edward and stabs daddy directly in the heart. The other vampires shriek in terror as Blade hunts them down one by one and slaughters them. Cool.

2 Chronicles 10-20

All right, let's do some blogging.

Now we go back to Solomon's son, Rehoboam, and all the trouble that starts with him. We get a similar account as in Kings about the people begging for leniency, but Remy listening to his cronies and threatening harsher conditions. So Jeroboam leads the northern tribes in separating from Judah, and the nation is now divided into two parts.*

But when Jerry sets up his own idols and gods for Israel to worship, the Levites and other worshipers of the Lord migrate to Judah where they can worship at the Temple. Remy's rule continues, is good, and he takes on eighteen wives and sixty concubines. This may seem like a lot, but it's a minuscule amount compared to daddy Solomon's collection of 1000 women!

Eventually, though, Remy turns away from God, and Judah follows his example. So God allows them to be defeated by the Egyptians.** Then Remy dies and his son Abijah takes over.

Wars and battles between Judah and Israel are continuous. Abijah goes up on a hill and defies Jerry, saying only "worthless scoundrels" sided with Jerry. Who is Abijah learning insults from, Princess Leia? He also slams Israel by saying that those who worship Jerry's idols are "priests of what are no gods" (13:9). Burn! So Abijah was a rather good king. Then he died and Asa became king.

Asa was also a good king and, with the help of God, fought off an invading Ethiopian army of one million men!*** Then Israel starts building Ramah, a fortress just north of Jerusalem. Asa bribes the king of Aram to attack Israel and distract it from Judah. While Israel was busy with Aram, Asa dismantled Ramah. A seer named Hanani rebukes Asa, for he relied on Aram instead of God. Asa is ticked by this, imprisons Hanani, and goes on a bit of a downward spiral. Then he dies and his son Jehoshaphat takes the throne.

Jehoshaphat organizes a bunch of Levites, priests, and officials to go throughout the town of Judah educating from the book of the law of the Lord. Since the Chronicler is writing after the exile, the law of the Lord book, or the compiled Torah, as it were, would be very important. Emphasis on the Torah book occurred during the exile when the people no longer had the Temple to worship at, so they had to rely more on the written word of the Lord.

Then Jehoshaphat teams up with Ahab, king of Israel, to fight some Arameans. Ahab's prophets all say victory will be theirs, but Jehoshaphat wants another opinion. The prophet Micaiah is summoned and tells them that the Lord put a false prophesy in the mouths of the prophets so that Ahab would go to war and die. Ahab imprisons Micaiah and goes to war anyway. Ahab is killed, but God saves Jehoshaphat.

Later, a great alliance of enemy nations approaches Judah. The people are very afraid, but a prophet speaks out that they should trust God. So they do. Before the alliance can attack, they start fighting amongst themselves. They quickly enter full scale war against each other and slaughter one another. The army of Judah arrives to pick up all the booty left by the armies.



*Don't worry, this won't get quite as confusing as Kings. The Chronicler focuses almost solely on the southern kingdom of Judah, which he views as the only legitimate kingdom. In his eyes, northern Israel is merely "in rebellion against the house of David" (10:19).

**According to the Chronicler's theology, God is in total control and the divine plays a hand in all major events that take place. Israel does not win or lose a battle unless it is the will of the Lord.

***Again, read these numbers with some skepticism. A million could have a different numerical value than we're used to today. Or, the Chronicler could just be exaggerating the size of the army, as we often do today when we exclaim something to number a million. It's fairly safe to say that, at this point in history, an army of a million men in this region was rather impossible to amass. The point is, the Ethiopian army vastly outnumbered Asa's army. But, because of the Lord, Asa was able to be victorious. It's your usual David and Goliath scenario.

Breaking Dawn 51-98

Hooray! The complaining finally stops! Or is at least toned down substantially. It looks like Bella is actually trying to enjoy her wedding day. What a novel concept. But then Jacob shows up and things get a little complicated.

See, all this time, Jacob has been in werewolf mode running around northern Canada. Hmm, that sounds like the concept for a cool television series. A lone man travels from small Canadian town to town, solving mysteries, crimes, and just helping out the locals in general along the way. But here's the kicker: he's a werewolf! And you know there's at least one scene in each episode where he utilizes his werewolf powers. It'd be kind of like the Incredible Hulk, but with a werewolf. Lou Feriggno could probably put on a werewolf costume for it, though. How awesome does that sound? Why are we reading about a wedding when there's the exciting tales of a werewolf vigilante to enjoy?

So Jacob and Bella dance in the shadows by the trees, for the werewolf boy is technically a runaway/missing person at the moment. For some reason Bella lets it slip that she plans to get it on with Edward while she's still human. First off, Bella, way to rub salt in the open would that is Jacob's already broken heart. Second, this sends Jacob into a frenzy of anger. Remember how he's a werewolf? Yeah, you wouldn't like him when he's angry (it works! Someone get Lou Feriggno on the phone!). The dude goes berserk and threatens to kill Edward right then and there. Oh, how I wish that would happen. We need a big slaughter between the vampires and werewolves with lots of bloodshed and death. I think we've all been waiting for that.

Prediction: Somewhere down the line Edward and Jacob do fight, full throttle, and both die in the cool battle. Both of Bella's potential love interests are dead and she's left all alone for the rest of her existence. Cruel irony.

But it won't happen now. Instead, Jacob's werewolf buddies drag him away and the confrontation is avoided. Bummer.

Bella and Edward flee the festivities to go to a secret honeymoon destination. It ends up being a private island off the coast of South America. I am certainly excited, but my hopes are quickly dashed as it becomes evident that this island is not Jurassic Park. It's not even Site B. So, no raptors. That would have been such a cool crossover, too! Oh well, guess I'll just have to settle for romantic Vampire Island. Right.

In the island bungalow, awkwardness ensues, for neither of them know what to do. Somebody should have told them it's just like Legos. So they go skinny dipping in the ocean instead. Man, this has already strayed significantly from the rather tame themes of the previous books. Anyway, the apparently put the Legos together, for they wake up the next morning in bed together.

And Bella is covered in bruises. Though she doesn't remember it, apparently Edward got pretty violent. Hey, Eddie, this isn't the beginning of the 1900's anymore. You can't just smack your wife around as you please. Women are not property. In some places, I hear they can even vote.

Bella claims it's all ok, but Edward is all mopey for hurting her. So he pledges never to sleep with her again while she's still human. I think we've all heard that line before.

Adventures in SD

We've got a lot of wild animals out here in the middle of nowhere, South Dakota. Here's some deer. Woke up one morning to this deer resting outside my window. Better be careful, deer, velociraptors live in those woods.

This past weekend, Alanna came to visit me. Good times were had by all. On Friday we traveled on down to Yankton for a little picnic.

At a park in Yankton.

Our picnic consisted of Taco Bell.

Alanna and her delicious nachos.

Alanna reading up on Lewis and Clark.

Me by some...um..."art."There was a long trail kind of along the river that bears the name of Yankton's own Tom Brokaw.I said "kind of along the river" because a good portion of it circles the water treatment plant and takes you quite far from the river. Not the most scenic trail.There was also this beehive right by the trail. Yikes.

Check out Smitch Loves Movies for a recap of all the movies we watched over the weekend.

Breaking Dawn 1-50

Anybody coming here looking for another Bible summary will be greatly disappointed. And probably pretty weirded out. My apologies.

Ok, so there's a Twilight blog out there about this dude reading through Twilight for the first time and writing down his humorous comments. It's quite good. Anyway, Alanna insists that I should do the same thing with the 4th book in the series, Breaking Dawn. So this is my attempt and it's a complete ripoff of the comedic genius of Dan Bergstein and his blog.

And you're all thinking, "Wait, the 4th one? This leads us to believe you've read the prior 3! Say it ain't so, Smitch!" Well, it is so. It's not always a pretty sight, the things The Smitch will do for girls. But, seeing as how Alanna has read the likes of Ender's Game, Watchmen, Kingdom Come, Mad Love (holy crap! The version I have is selling new on Amazon for $70!), and Neil Gaiman's recent Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (I've yet to make sure she didn't bend any pages, but believe me, I will), I figured I could at least indulge her and read some of her own guilty pleasures.

I'm guessing the majority of my readers (Matt and AJ) have not read any of the Twilight books. Lucky you. But, for your benefit, here's a quick recap:

Book One (Twilight): Bella moves to small town Washington. She falls for a kid named Edward who turns out to be a vampire. This is a complete shock to no one at all except Bella. We find out that vampires are sparkly. The end.

Book Two (New Moon): Edward dumps Bella and runs away. Bella becomes near-suicidal in her ensuing depression because her boyfriend broke up with her(this is such a positive book for impressionable teenage girls to read). She starts hanging out with a Native American boy named Jacob. Jacob and his reservation buddies turn into werewolves, which are so cooler than vampires in this series. Edward can't live without Bella and goes to Vampire City in Europe to end it all. Bella stops him just in time and they get back together. Werewolf Jacob no likey.

Book Three (Eclipse): Nothing happens. Seriously, for hundreds and hundreds of pages nothing freaking happens. Then the werewolves and vampires (sworn enemies) set aside their differences and team up to fight an oncoming army of vampires. This ends up being no where near as cool as you think it would be. You're maybe thinking that it'll be kinda sweet, like Underworld for teens. But no, it's not. It's so not sweet like that at all. Then Bella and Edward get engaged, or something.

Now, we get to this book. Bella is the most negative person I've ever seen, and she maintains this trait in the 4th book. Her thought life consists of nothing but constant complaining. Edward could give her a brand new car and all she would do is complain about it. Oh wait, he did, and she does. That's how this book opens: Bella complaining incessantly about her brand new Mercedes. Ingrate.

Then she complains incessantly about her upcoming wedding to Edward. I thought teenage girls were supposed to be all about weddings and planning their big day. Instead, she dreads it like it was a marathon of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Oh, man, is that a horrible show.

Obviously, she doesn't want to do the whole wedding thing and marry Edward. This is all the big Ed's idea. Bella's just going along with it because she made a deal that afterward Edward will have sex with her and turn her into a vampire (no, those two aren't directly related, but that would be one heck of an STD). Then she can be immortal like Edward and the two of them can live together forever. Or be undead together forever. Whatever.

Bella seems like the manipulative, seductive villainess from an Indiana Jones movie. She's tagging along on Indy's adventure (the wedding) just so she can get into his pants and also obtain immortality from the ancient relic the famed archaeologist seeks/possesses (vampirism). Think of Elsa from The Last Crusade and you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, she keeps complaining and is only thankful that Edward can't read her thoughts. Edward can read everyone's mind, except for Bella's, for some reason. Edward should be thankful for this, too. If he could read her thoughts, he'd be so appalled by the unrelenting pessimism that he'd shoot himself in the head. Granted, he's a vampire so that wouldn't harm him, but he'd still go through the motions just because Bella's whining is so interminable.

Then the wedding happens. It's covered in like a page or two. The rest of the 48 pages leading up to it is Bella complaining. Shut up, Bella. Please, please, just shut up.

2 Chronicles 1-9

Poor Chronicler. Awesome David is now dead. Boo. But his awesome legacy lives on!

This section starts off with God offering King Solomon whatever he asks for. Solomon, being nearly as awesome as his dad, asks for wisdom so that he might better rule over his people. God grants him this and, because Solomon wasn't selfish and asked for power and wealth, God is going to give him all those worldly pleasures anyway! That's like the super jackpot right there.

Indeed, Israel was so prosperous under Solomon that silver and gold were "as common in Jerusalem as stone (1:15)." Now, it seems very unlikely that the Chronicler took an accurate tally of the number of stones in the city and compared it with an accurate tally of the gold and silver. This is a generalization, people! The Chronicler is saying that Israel was stinking rich during this time. It's fluid, poetic language. Don't take it all so literally, as you are oft instructed to do. For if you did take this literally, basic economics and inflation would seem to imply that, because there's so much gold in Jerusalem, gold within the city is practically worthless (as worthless as a stone, even!). And this would be the exact opposite of the point the verse is trying to convey.

Moving along, Solomon begins to build the Temple, as his father previously instructed. Solomon takes the foreigners living in Israel and conscripts them into forced labor to construct the Temple. Nice way to exploit immigrants. The king also recruits Huram-abi, a skilled artisan from Tyre to work on some of the finer attributes of the Temple.

We then get a detailed description of the schematics and decor of the Temple. While it's mostly similar to the details we get in Kings, there are some discrepancies. Where these occur, the Chronicler's version tends to make the Temple larger and grander than the author of Kings does. Anyone else noticing a pattern in the Chronicler's agenda?Solomon brings the Ark into the Temple, gathers the people, and says a dedication prayer. God responds by sending down fire to ignite the burnt offerings and a cloud (the presence of the Lord) then occupies the Inner Sanctuary. Then the people party! A festival is held for 7 days to celebrate the finishing of the Temple.

Later the famous queen of Sheba comes to test Solomon's wisdom and is thoroughly impressed by the dude. Then King Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam succeeds him. The end.

Wait! What about....?

Yes, yes, I know. The Chronicler takes the same route he did with David and omits any negative aspects of Solomon. So, no, there's no mention of the multitude of foreign wives and Solomon's tendency to worship their gods in his later life. Sorry, you'll just have to go back to Kings again for that part as well.

1 Chronicles 21-29

With these last chapters of 1 Chronicles, the Chronicler concludes his account of the reign of King David. And oh, it is awesome.

But it starts out with David being not so awesome! What? Chronicler, what hath thou done???

David decides to go against the will of the Lord and take a census of all the people.* Joab, the voice of reason, tries to dissuade David from this act. But David insists, and the census commences. The Lord gets angry and tells Gad, David's seer, that Israel shall be punished. David must choose between three years of famine, three months of military failures, or three days of pestilence. David chooses door number 3, and God sends a pestilence that reportedly kills 70,000 people. Dang!

But then God also sends an Angel to utterly destroy Jerusalem. But David sees the angel and cries out to God to punish him instead of the people, for this was all his fault. Way to take responsibility for your actions and offer yourself to save your people, David. You know what this makes David? AWESOME!

So God tells David to make an altar at the house of some dude named Ornan. Ornan, being an awesome fellow himself, offers his place (in particular, the threshing floor the altar will be built upon) to David for free. David refuses the offer and insists that he must pay full price for it, for he will not give to God burnt offerings that cost him nothing (21:24)** God sends down fire from heaven to burn the offering on the altar and David declares that it will be the future sight of the Temple.

But David says his eventual successor, Solomon, is young and inexperienced, so David makes all the plans and arrangements for the building of the Temple. According to the Chronicler, David got everything ready and just sort of handed the plans over to Solomon to build, since the kid would be too inept to do it on his own. Never mind that Solomon is now remembered as being the wisest of the wise. This, in a way, robs Solomon of perhaps the greatest part of his legacy: the construction of the Temple. Instead, it was all daddy David's doing. Solomon just told the building crews to follow David's plan. Nice one, Chronicler. Way to make David seem even more awesome at the expense of Solomon.

Then David, being awesome, sets up the organization for the priests and Levites and gives them orders on how they will eventually care for the Temple. My commentary states that these arrangements don't appear in other pre-exilic texts, but was the norm for the 2nd Temple after the return from exile. If this is so, then perhaps the Chronicler had David institute such arrangements so as to help legitimize the current Temple order of his day. Think about it. It could be possible.

Anyway, the Chronicler's love affair with David ends with the awesome king overseeing the anointing of Solomon as king. Then David dies. The end.

Wait a minute! Are you serious? That's it? That's all you have to say about David, oh Chronicler? You completely skipped the most exciting part of David's reign from 2 Samuel: Absalom's Revolt! Sure, it's another negative aspect of David that the Chronicler probably deemed not awesome. But, come on! It's a great story of political intrigue! Oh well, guess you'll just have to check out 2 Samuel 13-18 for it.


*The parallel to this story is in 2 Samuel 24. However, here it says Satan (adversary) incites David to order the census, while in 2 Samuel it's God, upset with Israel, who puts it in David's head to have a census. Why is taking a census bad? I don't rightly know. Maybe it was a sign of pride? "Ooo, look at me! I'm Israel, and I'm so cool because I have this many people!" Maybe? Whatever. In any case, God gets mighty upset over it.

**Following David's lead, shouldn't our offerings to God, in whatever form they may take, also cost us? If we give to God only that which we won't miss (loose change, personal budget surplus, etc.) does it really mean anything? Maybe David was on to something. Maybe our offerings should come at great personal sacrifice to ourselves, instead of just whatever extra we can afford. This verse always reminds me of the poor widow who could *only* give two coins. While it seemed a small, unimpressive amount (especially compared to the riches that the wealthy were offering), Jesus said that the widow had given the most, for it cost her everything (Mark 12:41-44; Luke 21:1-4).

1 Chronicles 16-20

More awesomeness of David! Woohoo!

After the celebration of bringing the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem, David gives every person in Israel some bread, meat, and raisin cake. Not quite a chicken in every pot, but it will do! Way to be awesome, David.

Though the Ark is now in Jerusalem, there's still no house for it. Here, the Chronicler gives us an explanation for why David never got around to building the Temple. It wasn't David's fault, for David is awesome and totally wanted to build the Temple. But, the prophet Nathan had a dream where God said that David shouldn't build the Temple. Instead, David should work on consolidating power across the land, establishing a greater peace and stability, and obtaining riches from the spoils of war that will later be used for the construction of the Temple. God says that one of David's sons will eventually build the Temple instead.

So, David sets aside the idea of building the Temple and goes off to war, winning many battles against Israel's neighbors, such as the Philistines, Moabites, Arameans, and the Edomites. Interestingly, in 2 Sameul 8:13, this particular victory over Edom is attributed directly to David. But here, in 1 Chronicles 18:12, the Chronicler credits Abishai as the victor. Why, Chronicler? Why take the glory away from David? That seems to go against your modus operandi of writing about how awesome David is. Did you want to distance David from that battle for some reason? Though it was a victory, did some nastiness occur that you'd rather not be associated with David? In fact, I have absolutely no real idea why this possible discrepancy occurs, and all I have to say on it is mere conjecture. Remember that, you impressionable readers, you.

Perhaps 2 Samuel just generalizes that the battle was won by David since he is the king and, therefore, leader over all the Israelite forces. Maybe the Chronicler gets more specific and recognizes that Abishai was the direct commander at that particular battle. This seems plausible, since Abishai was the brother of Joab, commander of the entire army, second only to David.* Indeed, in the very next chapter, Israel faces an alliance between the Arameans and Ammonites. Joab split up the Israelite forces and gave half to Abishai's command to battle the Ammonites while he led the other group against the Arameans. Of course, Israel totally won this battle.

More battles ensue** and this time there's giants! Lahmi, the brother of none other than Goliath enters the fray. Like his better known brother, Lahmi is also killed, this time by Elhanan.*** David's brother Jonathan is also credited with killing a twelve fingered, twelve toed giant from Gath. Apparently there were a lot of giants in Gath. Good for them.


*Isn't context fun? CIE!

**David stayed home in Jerusalem during this period of battles. Although this occurs completely without incident in Chronicles, in Samuel this results in David viewing Bathsheba from afar, sleeping with her, and hastily trying to cover up his tracks which leads to the death of Bathsheba's husband, Uriah the Hittite. Now, the Chronicler isn't specifically saying that this incident never occurred, he's just omitting it and focusing, rather, on the awesomeness of David. Apparently the Chronicler doesn't deem adultery and indirect murder as awesome.

***Here we run into troubled waters, my friend. In 1 Samuel 17:50, it says that David does indeed kill the giant Goliath of Gath. In 2 Samuel 12:19, though, it says Elhanan kills the giant Goliath the Gittite. Are these two takes on the same story, or were their several giants at the time named Goliath? Well, as we've seen with the kings of Israel and Judah, certain names of the time were certainly very common. However, to help smooth this problem out, the Chronicler changes the name of the second Goliath to Lahmi and makes him the brother of David's Goliath.

But what of this Elhanan fellow? In Samuel he's the son of Jaare-oregim, while in Chronicles he's the son of Jair. Is Jaare equivalent to Jair? I don't know, but since the two events are otherwise similar, it would be safe to assume that they describe the same Elhanan. Now, there is a member of the elite Thirty named Elhanan, but he's the son of Dodo of Bethlehem. However, in 2 Samuel it says that Elhanan of Jaare-oregim is also of Bethlehem.

Could these two Elhanans be the same warrior? I can't say for sure. But if they were, it would make sense that an enemy giant would be felled by one of Israel's most elite warriors. It certainly seems more feasible that Elhanan, one of the top soldiers in all of Israel, could kill a giant rather than, say, a young, untrained boy with but a sling. Seeing as how Elhanan was a soldier for David and many, if not most, battles were credited almost exclusively to David by name, it seems plausible that eventually the tale could have been turned into how David personally killed Goliath. Maybe, after more time still, the story developed into how David, as a young boy, killed the mighty Goliath. David was a popular and iconic figure of Israel's greatness, and the people of ensuing generations adored him, such as the Chronicler himself. Is it really that far fetched that they might have clung to legendary, and perhaps exaggerated, stories of the awesomeness of their great king?

Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling us that David didn't kill Goliath? Well...no. I'm not saying that. I am saying that when one takes into account the context, history, and nature of humans, the preceding explanation could be considered possible. But, on the other hand, David very well could have literally killed Goliath personally as a young lad. Maybe by the time Elhanan met up with Lahmi, the name Goliath had become so synonymous with a giant (as it is in our culture today) that the author of Samuel could have mislabeled Lahmi as his brother Goliath. The Chronicler, in turn, clarifies this and helps correct the problem.

In either case, though, the message remains the same. Even if David didn't actually kill Goliath, we still have the message that, though we may be small, God will help us conquer our biggest problems. Sometimes the message is more important than the historical "truth." Did George Washington actually cut down a cherry tree as a young lad? Probably not. But we still teach our kids this story in kindergarten because its a good moral lesson. Remember, these are not objective histories, but theological narratives. They're meant to teach us truths about God as much as (or more than) recount the history of God's people.

1 Chronicles 10-15

All right, after all that genealogy goodness, we now get into the heart of the Chronicler's narrative of the monarchy. And how, for him, does the monarchy begin? Why, with the death of Saul, of course! For sooth, all we get of Saul is his last battle and suicide by falling on his sword. The Philistines then desecrate his body and steal his armor and head.

The rest of these chapters is a gushing glorification of all things David, akin to a trekkie explaining the greatness of Captain Kirk (particularly over, say, Picard). Here, all the tribes of Israel immediately follow David as king while the parallel in 2 Samuel sees it as a more gradual process to consolidate power. This furthers the sense that the Chronicler is an unabashed David fanboy and thinks David is just, like, awesome!

We get a list of some of the top warriors in David's army. The top three are in a super elite squad known as the Three (that's a hundred times more awesome than Sparta's 300!). The next group consists of thirty elite warriors and is known as the Thirty (which is still 10 times more awesome than 300!). Of particular note, one of the Thirty is Uriah the Hittite. Anyone who's read 2 Samuel should remember that Uriah was the husband of Bathsheba, the woman David had an affair with and impregnated. Remember what happened to Uriah after that? David sent him to the frontlines to be intentionally killed! Dang, David! You killed one of you're best soldiers over a woman! A woman! (Try to imagine Al Pacino from Dick Tracy saying that last part).

So, as David continues to consolidate his kingdom, he tries to bring the Ark of the Covenant (you know, the MacGuffin* from the first Indiana Jones movie? Man, what is it with me and movie references today?) to his new headquarters in Jerusalem. As it's in transit, the Ark tips on the cart, so a man named Uzzah tries to steady it with his hand. This impurity touching the Ark angers God, and Uzzah is struck dead on the spot. In light of this, David postpones the Ark's move to Jerusalem. Poor Uzzah.

David then fights off some Philistine intrusions on his territory. He conquers them at Baal-perazim and burns all the idols that the Philistines left behind. However, as 2 Samuel 5:21 recounts this event, David takes all of the idols back with him.** The Chronicler's version matches Davids actions up with Mosaic Law***, thereby making David even more awesome.

After these battles, David starts up some building projects in Jerusalem. Then he turns his attention back to the Ark. This time, to transport the Ark, he returns to Mosaic law and has the Levite priests carry the sacred object on poles. A big parade filled with music and dancing joins the Ark as it's carried into Jerusalem. Saul's daughter Michal looks out from her window, sees all this, and despises David. But who cares? She's dumb and David is AWESOME!


*Alfred Hitchcock coined the term "MacGuffin" to refer to the mechanism in a movie that drives the story. In heist and spy movies, it's whatever the criminals/spies are seeking after. For the Indiana Jones movies, the MacGuffins would be the Ark of the Covenant, the Sankara Stones, the Holy Grail, and the Crystal Skull. But most people try to forget that last one.

**Once again, this make divine dictation seem suspect. Did David burn the idols there or did he take them with? If divine dictation follows, then God is contradicting himself. If human authorship is more at play, then this discrepancy is of little consequence. The Chronicler is just trying to portray David in an all around better light. It has little, if any, effect on the larger themes presented.

***For example, Deuteronomy 7:25, which starts out "The images of their gods you shall burn with fire."