2 Kings 1-5

Sadly, the first 5 chapters in 2 Kings* lack prostitutes. But boy howdy do they have violence!

The tale starts off with King Ahaziah of Israel, the son of Ahab, falling out of his window and seriously injuring himself. Man, I bet Ahaziah was glad they didn't have 24/7 cable news channels back then. Not recovering, the king sends messengers to the foreign city of Ekron to ask the god Baal-zebub** if he'll ever be healed. Elijah intercepts the messengers and asks if there's no God in Israel that Ahaziah must seek a god in Ekron for help. With this quip, he sends the messengers back and tells them that the king will die.

Ahaziah is not pleased with the news, and sends a captain with 50 soldiers out to get Elijah. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! With a mere sentence, Elijah calls down fire from heaven that kills all the men. Not disuaded, the king sends another batch of men, but they meet the same fate. DO NOT MESS WITH ELIJAH! A third captain and 50 men are sent out, but these guys are understandably terrified. They beg Elijah not to kill them. Since they were so nice, Elijah agreed, went with them to the king, and repeated his decree that the king would die. Ahaziah dies without a son, so his brother Jehoram becomes king.Elijah and his buddy Elisha walk around a lot. They do the same things repetitively to drive home the point that they're doing important stuff. Elijah strikes the Jordan river and the water parts. Elijah must have been a Moses fanboy. The two cross the river and a chariot of fire and horses swings down and Elijah is taken away in a whirlwind. Elisha is now the big prophet on campus and similarly parts the Jordan to get back across the river. Some other prophets go off looking for Elijah, thinking the whirlwind picked him up and merely tossed him at a mountain like a dog with a chew toy. They never find a body. Duh duh DUH!

Elisha runs around performing some miracles, proving he's an agent of God. On his way to Bethel some kids start mocking him for being bald. Elisha curses the kids and TWO BEARS come out of the woods and maul 42 boys! DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA! How much would it suck to call a guy bald and then have bears go on a rampage, killing you and 41 of your friends? I wonder if Elisha ever thought this was overkill? Maybe he wasn't quite used to his new found prophetic power and just meant to swear at the little brats. I mean, really, what are you supposed to do when the parents of 42 kids you sicked bears on ask you what the deal is?

Later, Jehoshaphat of Judah and Jehoram of Israel team up to invade Moab. They run out of water in their journey so Elisha makes water appear without rain. He also says the Lord will grant them victory over Moab. The invading army does enjoy extensive victories throughout the land of Moab until they come to the fortress of Kir-hareseth and the Moab king sacrifices his firstborn son atop the fortress walls. Some how that turns the tide of the war and invading armies turn back.

But, what about Elisha's prophesy of victory? Huh, baldy? What about that one? I don't know. I guess he didn't say it would be a total victory. Maybe they did enough damage to Moab to consider it a victory for their purposes. Or maybe I'm just making that up. Without further explanation, though, it seems like a bit of a plot hole to me. Still better than nuking a fridge, though.

Elisha performs some more miracles, including raising a boy from the dead and making small amounts of food stretch a long way and feeding multitudes of people. Notice how many of Jesus' miracles resemble those of Elijah and Elisha's? I bet that was in the back of people's minds in 30AD Galilee. Context people!

Naaman, an army commander of Aram, has leprosy*** and seeks help in Israel. He comes to Elisha who tells him to simply wash in the Jordan. After intitial disbelief, Naaman does this and is healed. He then swears to only worship the Lord, but begs to be pardoned when, due to his position, has to accompany the King of Aram into the temple of their god Rimmon.

Naaman wishes to pay Elisha, but the prophet contends he only does as God says, and is not a miracle worker for hire. His assistant, Gehazi, however, disagrees. He goes behind Elisha's back to receive payment from Naaman. Elisha finds out, of course, and curses Gehazi with the leprosy Naaman was just healed of!

DO NOT MESS WITH ELISHA!



*1 and 2 Kings were originally a singular text that got split in twain somewhere down the line.

**According to my commentary, Baal-zebub literally translates to "Baal, lord of the flies," which would be a rather insulting title. It's likely a Hebrew twist on the more usual Baal-zebul, "Baal the exalted." Oh, those crazy Hebrew authors, always taking subtle jabs at foreign gods. Riotous!

***When we think leprosy, we think of the specific disease. However, in the Bible it tends to refer to any number of skin diseases.