2 Kings 6-10

Still no prostitutes! But what about the violence, you may ask? What about the violence, Smitch? Oh, believe me, there is more violence. 70 severed heads in a basket, anyone?

But before we get to that, Elisha has more miracles to perform, including making iron float in water! Amazing. He also forewarns the king of Israel about the military movements of the Arameans. This perturbs the king of Aram, who dispatches a large squad to capture Elisha. Elisha's servant is scared of the oncoming force until Elisha reveals unto him the heavenly army protecting them.

But when the army arrives, Elisha prays that the Lord will blind it. The soldiers are immediately blind and Elisha tricks them into thinking they're in the wrong spot. The prophet then leads them to the Israelite king in Samaria, where their sight is restored. Instead of slaughtering them, though, Elisha orders that they be fed and allowed to return home. So, an army sent to kill him gets fed and sent home, but kids who call him bald are killed by BEARS!? This Elisha seems to be a finicky character, sometimes.

Later, the ungrateful Arameans return and lay siege to Jehoram's city of Samaria. The siege lasts so long that famine becomes quite severe in Samaria. The citizens are resorting to cannibalism, killing and cooking their own children in order to survive. Jehoram has had enough, says screw it, blames God and his prophet for this mess, and goes to kill Elisha. But Elisha claims the siege and famine will be over soon and, sure enough, it is. The encamped Arameans think they hear a massive army in the night and flee back home, leaving all their gear, supplies, and food behind for the citizens to plunder.

Still later, the same king of Aram is ill and sends his servant Hazael to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will, but then bursts into tears, foreseeing that Hazael himself will become king of Aram and do many treacherous things to Israel. Hearing this news, Hazael returns, smothers the king of Aram and assumes his throne. Hey, Elisha, you ever think that maybe if you hadn't said anything Hazael wouldn't have gotten the idea to become king so strongly implanted in his head? Hmm?

Ok, here the lineage of these kings get kind of confusing. In Israel in the north, we've gone from Ahab, to Ahaziah, to Jehoram, right? Well, in the meantime, in Judah to the south, we've gone from Jehoshaphat, to his son Jehoram (different than Israel's Jehoram), to Ahaziah (different from the now dead Ahaziah of Israel - the dude that fell out of the window). Got it straight? Good. If not, wikipedia has a slightly less confusing flow chart of the kings right here.

So at this time, Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah team up to battle Hazael of Aram. Jehoram is wounded and retreats to Jezreel for medical attention. Ahaziah also goes to Jezreel to visit him. Meanwhile, Elisha tells a servant to go to an Israelite army commander by the name of Jehu. In secret, the servant is to anoint Jehu as king of Israel and then RUN AWAY as fast as he freakin' can!

The servant does just this. After much prodding, Jehu eventually tells the other army commanders what just happened, and they all support him as the new king. They head off to Jezreel* and Jehu kills both Jehoram of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. Entering the town, Jehu heads to the house of Ahab's widow, the evil Jezebel. He calls to her aids to throw her out of the window, and they comply. On impacting the ground, her blood splattered on the wall and some nearby horses, who then proceeded to trample all over her body. Then dogs ate her corpse, leaving only her skull, hands, and feet. Nice.

Then Jehu sent word to Samaria that the king's servants should kill all the remaining descendants of Ahab, 70 in all. He decreed their heads should be sent to him in baskets, and he soon received baskets full of 70 severed heads. Nice one, Jehu. Nice one.

But Jehu wasn't finished with his cleansing slaughter! On his way to Samaria, he came across 42 relatives of Ahaziah of Judah and promptly killed them all. If Elisha was with him he could have just had BEARS maul the lot of them. Jehu made his way to Samaria and called all worshipers of Baal in Israel to the temple of Baal for a grand shindig and sacrifice. Guess what?

IT'S A TRAP!

With all the Baal worshipers in one place, Jehu kills them all, destroys the temple, and turns it into a latrine! I'm sure he regularly enjoyed taking a leak on the ashes of the temple of Baal. I mean, who wouldn't? Good stuff, Jehu, good stuff.

*By the way, I now have a new insult to yell at poor drivers. When the treasonous crew approaches Jezreel in the chariots, the sentinel at the gates of the city says it looks like Jehu is coming, "for he drives like a maniac" (9:20). You crazy Jehu! Learn how to drive!