1 Chronicles 10-15

All right, after all that genealogy goodness, we now get into the heart of the Chronicler's narrative of the monarchy. And how, for him, does the monarchy begin? Why, with the death of Saul, of course! For sooth, all we get of Saul is his last battle and suicide by falling on his sword. The Philistines then desecrate his body and steal his armor and head.

The rest of these chapters is a gushing glorification of all things David, akin to a trekkie explaining the greatness of Captain Kirk (particularly over, say, Picard). Here, all the tribes of Israel immediately follow David as king while the parallel in 2 Samuel sees it as a more gradual process to consolidate power. This furthers the sense that the Chronicler is an unabashed David fanboy and thinks David is just, like, awesome!

We get a list of some of the top warriors in David's army. The top three are in a super elite squad known as the Three (that's a hundred times more awesome than Sparta's 300!). The next group consists of thirty elite warriors and is known as the Thirty (which is still 10 times more awesome than 300!). Of particular note, one of the Thirty is Uriah the Hittite. Anyone who's read 2 Samuel should remember that Uriah was the husband of Bathsheba, the woman David had an affair with and impregnated. Remember what happened to Uriah after that? David sent him to the frontlines to be intentionally killed! Dang, David! You killed one of you're best soldiers over a woman! A woman! (Try to imagine Al Pacino from Dick Tracy saying that last part).

So, as David continues to consolidate his kingdom, he tries to bring the Ark of the Covenant (you know, the MacGuffin* from the first Indiana Jones movie? Man, what is it with me and movie references today?) to his new headquarters in Jerusalem. As it's in transit, the Ark tips on the cart, so a man named Uzzah tries to steady it with his hand. This impurity touching the Ark angers God, and Uzzah is struck dead on the spot. In light of this, David postpones the Ark's move to Jerusalem. Poor Uzzah.

David then fights off some Philistine intrusions on his territory. He conquers them at Baal-perazim and burns all the idols that the Philistines left behind. However, as 2 Samuel 5:21 recounts this event, David takes all of the idols back with him.** The Chronicler's version matches Davids actions up with Mosaic Law***, thereby making David even more awesome.

After these battles, David starts up some building projects in Jerusalem. Then he turns his attention back to the Ark. This time, to transport the Ark, he returns to Mosaic law and has the Levite priests carry the sacred object on poles. A big parade filled with music and dancing joins the Ark as it's carried into Jerusalem. Saul's daughter Michal looks out from her window, sees all this, and despises David. But who cares? She's dumb and David is AWESOME!


*Alfred Hitchcock coined the term "MacGuffin" to refer to the mechanism in a movie that drives the story. In heist and spy movies, it's whatever the criminals/spies are seeking after. For the Indiana Jones movies, the MacGuffins would be the Ark of the Covenant, the Sankara Stones, the Holy Grail, and the Crystal Skull. But most people try to forget that last one.

**Once again, this make divine dictation seem suspect. Did David burn the idols there or did he take them with? If divine dictation follows, then God is contradicting himself. If human authorship is more at play, then this discrepancy is of little consequence. The Chronicler is just trying to portray David in an all around better light. It has little, if any, effect on the larger themes presented.

***For example, Deuteronomy 7:25, which starts out "The images of their gods you shall burn with fire."