Breaking Dawn 143-205

And now we jump into the mind of Jacob. The next couple of chapters are told from his point of view for some reason. Whatever.

You'd think this would be cool. You'd think that we'd go along with Jacob and his exploits in northern Canada, solving crimes as a werewolf. Instead, what is Jacob doing? He's sitting at home, watching TV! How exciting.

After awhile, word comes that Bella is back in town, but has contracted some rare South American disease. The official word is that she's quarantined at the Cullen's (Edward's family) house. Jacob says bully to this and assumes it's just a cover. He suspects Bella is actually undergoing the long and painful process of turning into a vampire.

Fed up with everything, Jacob decides to go kill Edward and his family for what they've done to Bella. The rest of his werewolf pack, which numbers about 10 or so, tell him no. Now, a kind of interesting aspects of werewolves is that, while they're in their wolf state, they can read each others' minds. They become a kind of mental collective, or a singular consciousness. They're kind of like the Borg. So, to evade the other werewolves' mind reading capabilities, Jacob sticks to human form and runs away to the Cullen house out in the woods somewhere.

There he finds that Bella is not a vampire, just pregnant with one. And it's killing her. She's wasting away and the super strong vampire fetus is wreaking havoc on her body (This reminds me of many discussions on Superman Returns. How on earth could Lois' womb survive carrying a Kryptonian baby to term?). Though Edward and some others want to get the baby out of her, Bella refuses, and she has some of the women vampires supporting her decision, though it will likely result in her death.

I got it. Baby Blade is going to team up with Jacob. They'll go on adventures across the land killing vampires and doing good deeds in general, like fixing flat tires for old ladies during a rainstorm. It will be cool, because it will be Blade and his werewolf companion. They could even have a little Odd Couple vibe going on. Blade is so neat and particular, but Jacob is such a slob. It practically writes itself, folks!

Instead of Jacob and Edward getting into a big tussle, they talk. How typical. Edward is an emotional wreck and begs Jacob to talk some sense into Bella. He says that if Bella is this determined to have a baby, she can have as many as she wants with Jacob. Again, what the crap is up with this book? Is this whole thing just a big "screw you" to the readers of the first three books?

So Jacob tries to talk some sense into Bella, but she's being stubborn and stupid, per usual. Why do all these people constantly put up with her? Why is she the center of so much attention when she's just a constant pain for everyone around her? Sigh. Whatever. Jacob kind of brings up Edward's suggestion, but drops it half way realizing it won't work. He gives up, goes home, and reports his findings to the werewolf pack.

The revelation shocks the pack. They've tolerated the Cullens thus far (and even have an official treaty with them), but the unknown consequences of this baby vampire abomination is too much for them to accept. They have to do something. So they decide to initiate a full scale attack against the Cullens. Tonight. Kill them all, especially the baby. Even if that means killing Bella in the process.

So what do I think will happen? There will be a great deal of setup leading to the ultimate showdown between these two supernatural clans. They'll square off, twitching for someone to strike first. But then they'll talk all night long and absolutely nothing will happen! I know how it works. This is like if Kevin Smith directed a vampire/werewolf film. Everyone would just stand around talking.