Breaking Dawn 679-End

Here we are, folks. The climatic conclusion. And you'll never believe what happens!

Nothing!

That's right. As predicted, no battle, fighting, or violence of any kind occurs. Just two groups of people standing at opposite sides of a field talking. If Kevin Smith doesn't direct this, they could always get Tarantino. He's does talking as well. Remember Death Proof? Ok, now remember the 85% of Death Proof that had nothing to do with cool car antics and was purely irrelevant, uninteresting dialogue? See? Tarantino could easily do Breaking Dawn. Plus, he's got experience working on vampire movies before. From Dusk Til Dawn, anyone?

So the Vampire City crew arrive, and they've brought their own batch of vampire witnesses to observe the ordeal. The situation is tense as they discover what baby Blade is and what they should do with her. Wait, there is some violence. My bad. When it's discovered that Blade is not a human baby-turned-vampire, the vampire who tattled to Vampire City is burned. But this takes place within a paragraph and is solely meant to provoke a physical altercation. Most of the Cullen clan don't care enough to fall for the bait. Those that do are easily restrained.

The visit from the Vampire City gang isn't so much about destroying Blade as it is seeking an excuse to dismantle the Cullens and annex those with particular powers into their own little club. Some of the Vampire Citizens actually try some psychic attacks, but at that moment Bella conveniently learns total control of her shielding ability and protects everyone on her side.

Still, it looks like violence is about to break out until Alice triumphantly returns with a special guest: another half human/half vampire dude from South America. This is what Alice has been doing the whole time, trying to find another person like Blade so everyone can see what Blade will eventually become. Turns out she'll reach adulthood in about 6.5 years and then she'll quit aging forever and be immortal.

Foiled, the folks from Vampire City give up and depart. For now. The victorious Cullens and crew give out a shout of celebration and start to party right there in the woods. They hold a big barbecue and a company of Ewoks come out from the trees and start playing music by rhythmically drumming on Stormtrooper helmets. R2-D2 can be seen dancing with an Ewok while Blade sits on the grass and plays patty-cake with a tiny little baby Ewok that cowers in adorable terror whenever werewolf Jacob nears. Thematic music crescendos and the scene wipes to the closing credits.

All right, so maybe that's not exactly how it happened. But it's close.

In actuality, Bella, Edward, and Blade return to their cottage and live happily ever after. Forever and ever.

Heh. I think entropy will say otherwise. It's science, people!

There you have it. Some men climb Everest. Some men swim the English Channel. Some men soar into outer space. I read all four Twilight books. You'll readily agree that this make me the most courageous, most daring, most fearless man you have ever met. And though you are in awe, you also admit great fear and respect towards me. For if I can do this, what can't I do? The possibilities are limitless, my friend. Your awe and fear are quite understandable. I am the most courageous man.

And, through rather unorthodox means, some might say the most romantic.