Breaking Dawn 471-572

They celebrate Bella's 19th birthday. Kind of. She objects that she became a vampire three days prior and died/became undead/stopped aging/whatever. In any case, she's frozen in time as a legal adult, while Edward is still stuck at the age of 17. A minor. Thanks to the arbitrary age statutes in this land, that would technically make Bella a pedophile. Next time Bella moves into your neighborhood she may not tell you she's a vampire, but she will be required by law to inform you that she's a registered sex offender.

And with that, I've probably ruined this book for everyone. You're welcome.

For her birthday, she and Edward get a little cottage a ways off from the main house. They take advantage of this new, um, privacy. Yeah, there's still more of that. I think asking what the crap happened to this series has become futile. I'll accept it and move on. Well, I'll move on at least.

Jacob tells Bella's dad, Charlie, everything. Well, at least about the werewolf part. He then brings Charlie to the Cullen house to meet Blade and the obviously physically altered Bella. Unbelievably, Charlie is rather okay with all this and doesn't ask for in depth details. He only wants to know what he needs to know, and assumes the rest. What world is this were no one reacts when they discover the existence of vampires and werewolves? Charlie probably throws a bigger fit over being expected to believe that Indiana Jones could survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge.

Blade is still growing fast, but the rate is slowing. But it's not slowing enough. If the same pattern continues, she'll be an adult within 4 years and dead in 15. The vampire crew plan a series of travels and expeditions across the world to see if they can learn about any previous instances or legends surrounding a child such as Blade. Bella also plans to go to Vampire City and say "Hey, I'm a vampire now, you don't have to kill me."

Then another vampire with a back story nobody cares about sees Blade, thinks the Cullens have turned a baby into a forbidden baby vampire, and squeals on them to the Italian king vampire clan in Vampire City. One of the vampire girls, Alice, sees this (cause she can see the future) and mysteriously runs away. The Vampire City crew is coming to eliminate the Cullens for creating a baby vampire.

But Blade is not a typical baby vampire, and Bella hopes they can convince the foreign vampires of that before they kill everyone. Most of the Cullens disperse across the land to recruit other vampires to come meet Blade and to join them in standing against the Vampire Citizens.

So, it looks like this could be gearing up for a super big vampire fight! Yeah, we all know that probably won't happen. Kevin Smith doesn't direct action, remember? Though it would be cool if they overtake the antagonists and rule over Vampire City themselves. Bella assumes the role of queen over all the vampires and becomes irredeemably corrupt with all her new found power. It's up to none other than Jacob and Blade to vanquish her in a bloody endgame. Yeah, I'm gonna root for that outcome.