Breaking Dawn 99-138

If you're wondering about my selection of pages to comment on, this section covers chapters 6 and 7. But you aren't really wondering that, were you? You're still wondering how the honeymoon is going.

It's...uh...it's going. Edward is staying true to his word. He takes Bella out on all sorts of explorations of the island throughout the day and then cooks her a big meal at night so she'll fall right to sleep. This works for awhile, despite Bella's "reasoning, pleading, and grouching." She then tries to make a deal that she'll go to college and postpone becoming a vampire for awhile if Edward will just sleep with her again. This book is all about promoting self-respect for young girls, isn't it?

So, apparently back in days gone by, some vampires turned babies and toddlers into vampires. They were adorable, but monstrously uncontrollable and had to be systematically destroyed. After hearing this story, Bella started having dreams about such baby vampires. But now they've morphed into dreams about her trying to protect a human baby from vampires. Notice how dreams are never in a book unless it's some sort of foreshadowing? Yeah, wonder what's going to happen down the line.

One night, Bella wakes up from a dream and starts sobbing uncontrollably. As Edward comforts her, she seduces/guilt trips him into getting it on. He breaks the bed. Instead of moving to another bedroom to further their shenanigans on the nights that follow, Edward insists they continue to use the broken bed because it's already broken and he doesn't want to break another bed and what the crap happened to this book series? When did this turn into how to get it on with a vampire?

Whatever. Then Bella eats some bad chicken and blows chunks. Then she realizes she's late. Then she reflects on recent symptoms and considers that she might be pregnant. Then the vampire baby pokes her from inside her. I kid you not!

Female vampires can't conceive. But apparently male vampires are still potent. And vampire fetuses must mature rapidly. Edward cancels their honeymoon and makes arrangements to head back home as fast as possible to see his father, who just happens to be a doctor. Bella's getting all sweet on the idea of being a mommy, but Edward snaps that they must get that "thing" out of her. Guess Edward's pro-choice. But he's a vampire, so that kinda makes sense. Right?

Two folks from mainland Brazil who bring supplies and take care of the island arrive to do their duty. The woman, however, suspects what Edward is and realizes what's going on. She has a big argument with Edward. But all they're dialogue is in Portuguese and some other language Bella doesn't understand, so the reader doesn't understand.

I have my own theory on what went down. The woman, in her hysteria, informs Edward that the raptor fences are down. Eddie's in shock and replies, "Even Nedry knows better than to mess with the raptor fences!" The woman gets even more upset, saying the raptors could already be loose! Chomping down on a cigarette, Edward gruffly says "hold on to your butts" as he tries to restart the computer systems on the island. The power goes out. They wait in darkness a few seconds before the lights start to flicker back on. A smile of relief forms on Edward's face.

A raptor smashes through the kitchen window and crashes into the vampire, knocking him to the ground. They wrestle on the floor as the woman screams in horror and runs out of the house. Another raptor leaps through the window, landing on the kitchen counter. It eyes Bella before letting out a sharp roar.

Bella flees into the next room, slamming the door shut behind her. But these raptors are smart! They know how to open doors! So Bella runs through another doorway, but a third raptor breaks through the window in that room. Oh no! She barely makes it into the bathroom and braces herself against the door in a vain attempt to keep the raptors from breaking the door down.

But she hears something in the bathroom. Something is in there with her. Raspy breathing comes from behind the shower curtain. Bella cautiously stretches out a hand and slides the curtain aside with a sharp jerk. Inexplicably, Jeff Goldblum is standing in the shower, muttering "Faster, must go faster," over and over. This quickly gets annoying, and Bella tells him to shut up and do something helpful. Jeff Goldblum does neither.

While Bella is distracted by Jeff Goldblum, a raptor manages to bust through the bathroom door. This looks like the end! But then, crashing in through the ceiling, comes a werewolf! It lands on top of the raptor and quickly tears it apart. The werewolf transforms into none other than Jacob! Bella asks what he's doing here, and Jacob replies that he's been stalking her and watching her the entire time. "That's not true," Bella retorts, "that's impossible! Edward would have read your mind!"

Jacob points to the aluminum foil wrapped around his head. "Ain't no vampires or aliens reading my mind, now." Jacob goes back into werewolf mode and smashes a hole in the bathroom wall so Bella can escape outside while he fights the rest of the raptors entering the bathroom.

"Brundlefly," Jeff Goldblum says.

Bella runs outside and see's the Brazilian woman running toward the dock to escape on her boat. But then there's a loud roar behind her and a huge T-Rex enters Bella's view. The dinosaur is chasing the woman and, just as she's running along the dock, it bites her arm and snatches her up in the air. Bella screams in horror at the sight.

But out from the water soars Aquaman! In one fluid motion, he leaps high into the sky and punches the T-Rex on its snout, causing it to release the woman, who falls into her boat. As Aquaman dives back down into the water, though, the T-Rex snatches him in its jaws and flings him back towards the house.

Aquaman crashes through the wall but is quickly sent flying back out and smacks into a tree. Edward emerges from the newly made hole and shouts, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: stay off of my island, Aquaman!"

The T-Rex sees Edward and starts to charge, it's mouth wide and hungry. In the meantime, the Brazilian woman starts her boat and roars off to sea, barely escaping Dinosaur Vampire Island. Edward braces himself for the T-Rex attack, but then werewolf Jacob busts out of the house and starts chucking dead raptors at the T-Rex. Edward turns around and sees Jacob. He's about to yell angrily at the werewolf, but is slammed into the ground as the T-Rex steps on him.

Werewolf Jacob howls as the T-Rex charges, but then Aquaman shouts something in an unknown language (possibly also Portuguese) and a hundred dolphins leap out of the sea and slam into the T-Rex. The force of this sudden impact knocks the dinosaur over and it crashes into the house, completely leveling over half of it.

Edward pries himself from the T-Rex footprint he's a part of, grabs a dolphin that's now flapping on the ground, and begins slapping the fallen T-Rex with it. Jeff Goldblum emerges from the destroyed house, climbs atop the head of the T-Rex, and fires a shotgun straight into the dinosaur's eye. With the T-Rex dead, Jeff Goldblum rambles incoherently about the iMac before he runs off and jumps on Aquaman's back. The two dive into the sea, never to be seen again.

Bella stands silently in the aftermath, taking in the scene of dead dinosaurs and dolphins scattered across the land. Edward points a stern finger at Jacob and demands to know how he got here. The werewolf transforms back into Jacob and with a sly grin calmly says "Boba Fett."

Suddenly, Boba Fett soars through the sky via his jet pack, being incredibly awesome in everybody's sight! The famed bounty hunter swoops down, grabs Jacob's arm, and hoists him up into the sky. The two of them zoom around the island, firing blasters at any remaining raptors roaming about.

Bella is so psyched that finally something cool happened in her life.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's what happened at all. Instead, the woman leaves, Edward goes to pack some food, and Bella calls Edward's sister Rosalie to help her with the baby situation. Man, not a single raptor in that version.

Prediction: Edward wants to eliminate the baby because he knows that, being a half human/half vampire hybrid, it will be none other than Blade! The Daywalker will hunt down and kill all vampires, making the world safe once again. Well, so the "Daywalker" title doesn't work so well here, since these vampires aren't harmed by sunlight, they just sparkle in it. So, maybe Blade will just be able to walk in daylight and not sparkle? That alone would make him the most awesome of these vampires! Edward must kill Blade before Blade kills him, even if Blade is his own son!

This is how it's going play out in the delivery room: A little Wesley Snipes, decked out in sunglasses, tattoos, and leather, will leap out of Bella, swinging a sweet sword. He goes straight for Edward and stabs daddy directly in the heart. The other vampires shriek in terror as Blade hunts them down one by one and slaughters them. Cool.