Breaking Dawn 51-98

Hooray! The complaining finally stops! Or is at least toned down substantially. It looks like Bella is actually trying to enjoy her wedding day. What a novel concept. But then Jacob shows up and things get a little complicated.

See, all this time, Jacob has been in werewolf mode running around northern Canada. Hmm, that sounds like the concept for a cool television series. A lone man travels from small Canadian town to town, solving mysteries, crimes, and just helping out the locals in general along the way. But here's the kicker: he's a werewolf! And you know there's at least one scene in each episode where he utilizes his werewolf powers. It'd be kind of like the Incredible Hulk, but with a werewolf. Lou Feriggno could probably put on a werewolf costume for it, though. How awesome does that sound? Why are we reading about a wedding when there's the exciting tales of a werewolf vigilante to enjoy?

So Jacob and Bella dance in the shadows by the trees, for the werewolf boy is technically a runaway/missing person at the moment. For some reason Bella lets it slip that she plans to get it on with Edward while she's still human. First off, Bella, way to rub salt in the open would that is Jacob's already broken heart. Second, this sends Jacob into a frenzy of anger. Remember how he's a werewolf? Yeah, you wouldn't like him when he's angry (it works! Someone get Lou Feriggno on the phone!). The dude goes berserk and threatens to kill Edward right then and there. Oh, how I wish that would happen. We need a big slaughter between the vampires and werewolves with lots of bloodshed and death. I think we've all been waiting for that.

Prediction: Somewhere down the line Edward and Jacob do fight, full throttle, and both die in the cool battle. Both of Bella's potential love interests are dead and she's left all alone for the rest of her existence. Cruel irony.

But it won't happen now. Instead, Jacob's werewolf buddies drag him away and the confrontation is avoided. Bummer.

Bella and Edward flee the festivities to go to a secret honeymoon destination. It ends up being a private island off the coast of South America. I am certainly excited, but my hopes are quickly dashed as it becomes evident that this island is not Jurassic Park. It's not even Site B. So, no raptors. That would have been such a cool crossover, too! Oh well, guess I'll just have to settle for romantic Vampire Island. Right.

In the island bungalow, awkwardness ensues, for neither of them know what to do. Somebody should have told them it's just like Legos. So they go skinny dipping in the ocean instead. Man, this has already strayed significantly from the rather tame themes of the previous books. Anyway, the apparently put the Legos together, for they wake up the next morning in bed together.

And Bella is covered in bruises. Though she doesn't remember it, apparently Edward got pretty violent. Hey, Eddie, this isn't the beginning of the 1900's anymore. You can't just smack your wife around as you please. Women are not property. In some places, I hear they can even vote.

Bella claims it's all ok, but Edward is all mopey for hurting her. So he pledges never to sleep with her again while she's still human. I think we've all heard that line before.