Breaking Dawn 1-50

Anybody coming here looking for another Bible summary will be greatly disappointed. And probably pretty weirded out. My apologies.

Ok, so there's a Twilight blog out there about this dude reading through Twilight for the first time and writing down his humorous comments. It's quite good. Anyway, Alanna insists that I should do the same thing with the 4th book in the series, Breaking Dawn. So this is my attempt and it's a complete ripoff of the comedic genius of Dan Bergstein and his blog.

And you're all thinking, "Wait, the 4th one? This leads us to believe you've read the prior 3! Say it ain't so, Smitch!" Well, it is so. It's not always a pretty sight, the things The Smitch will do for girls. But, seeing as how Alanna has read the likes of Ender's Game, Watchmen, Kingdom Come, Mad Love (holy crap! The version I have is selling new on Amazon for $70!), and Neil Gaiman's recent Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? (I've yet to make sure she didn't bend any pages, but believe me, I will), I figured I could at least indulge her and read some of her own guilty pleasures.

I'm guessing the majority of my readers (Matt and AJ) have not read any of the Twilight books. Lucky you. But, for your benefit, here's a quick recap:

Book One (Twilight): Bella moves to small town Washington. She falls for a kid named Edward who turns out to be a vampire. This is a complete shock to no one at all except Bella. We find out that vampires are sparkly. The end.

Book Two (New Moon): Edward dumps Bella and runs away. Bella becomes near-suicidal in her ensuing depression because her boyfriend broke up with her(this is such a positive book for impressionable teenage girls to read). She starts hanging out with a Native American boy named Jacob. Jacob and his reservation buddies turn into werewolves, which are so cooler than vampires in this series. Edward can't live without Bella and goes to Vampire City in Europe to end it all. Bella stops him just in time and they get back together. Werewolf Jacob no likey.

Book Three (Eclipse): Nothing happens. Seriously, for hundreds and hundreds of pages nothing freaking happens. Then the werewolves and vampires (sworn enemies) set aside their differences and team up to fight an oncoming army of vampires. This ends up being no where near as cool as you think it would be. You're maybe thinking that it'll be kinda sweet, like Underworld for teens. But no, it's not. It's so not sweet like that at all. Then Bella and Edward get engaged, or something.

Now, we get to this book. Bella is the most negative person I've ever seen, and she maintains this trait in the 4th book. Her thought life consists of nothing but constant complaining. Edward could give her a brand new car and all she would do is complain about it. Oh wait, he did, and she does. That's how this book opens: Bella complaining incessantly about her brand new Mercedes. Ingrate.

Then she complains incessantly about her upcoming wedding to Edward. I thought teenage girls were supposed to be all about weddings and planning their big day. Instead, she dreads it like it was a marathon of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Oh, man, is that a horrible show.

Obviously, she doesn't want to do the whole wedding thing and marry Edward. This is all the big Ed's idea. Bella's just going along with it because she made a deal that afterward Edward will have sex with her and turn her into a vampire (no, those two aren't directly related, but that would be one heck of an STD). Then she can be immortal like Edward and the two of them can live together forever. Or be undead together forever. Whatever.

Bella seems like the manipulative, seductive villainess from an Indiana Jones movie. She's tagging along on Indy's adventure (the wedding) just so she can get into his pants and also obtain immortality from the ancient relic the famed archaeologist seeks/possesses (vampirism). Think of Elsa from The Last Crusade and you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, she keeps complaining and is only thankful that Edward can't read her thoughts. Edward can read everyone's mind, except for Bella's, for some reason. Edward should be thankful for this, too. If he could read her thoughts, he'd be so appalled by the unrelenting pessimism that he'd shoot himself in the head. Granted, he's a vampire so that wouldn't harm him, but he'd still go through the motions just because Bella's whining is so interminable.

Then the wedding happens. It's covered in like a page or two. The rest of the 48 pages leading up to it is Bella complaining. Shut up, Bella. Please, please, just shut up.